Live Blogging the World Series in One Take with NO DVR While Switching Back and Forth to Watch 30 Rock and the Office Too

Calvin got a job! It's true. I finally have a paycheck coming in from a company that not only offers me benefits, but also doesn't make it's revenue from slinging ice cream and sandwiches. High class. (By the way, I know that picture of Dave Chappelle working at Wac Arnolds is small and shitty, but it's the best Google images could do, so take it up with them.) Anyway, I am now living and working in the beautiful city of Baltimore.

You didn't think my propensity for littering my posts
with tons of pictures to cover up my lack of any serious
ability to write creatively would have disappeared during
the hiatus did you? Didn't think so.

I'm not going to tell you what I do because that will only make you all hate me more than you do now, and I have to cut my losses somewhere. Anyway, on to the most impulsive, least prepared for, and completely un-proofread comeback post you'll read on any blog anywhere this week!

8:08 - Vince Vaughn shamelessly promoting Fred Claus in a bit where he does his usual overbearing bit while at the same time being completely clueless. The segment was painful but I'll still see his movie.

8:14 - Just as I was about to type that doing this with no recording already made me miss who was singing the Anthem, I just realized it's fucking James Taylor! Holy shit he looks terrible. What a shame, he looks like an 80 year old Robert Duvall.

8:16 - FOX is recapping Game One to the hip tunes of Live. Specifically, the riff to the song that goes "All over you, all over me, the sun, the something, the something else...." I can't think of the right lyrics. Or the name of the song. But fuck it, the whole point of this post is that I have an excuse to do ZERO research.

8:19 - Commercials, so I switched to My Name is Earl. More commercials. I like Jason Lee, and this show always seems to be funny, but I never make a point to watch it.

8:20 - WHOA! In the span of about 30 seconds on Earl, we see a full frontal shot of Michael Rapaport and find out that Jaime Pressly is about 12 months pregnant. Back to FOX.

(Disclaimer: If this game becomes a blow-out, and/or incredibly boring, I'm reserving the right to cut this short to hit a bar. Just thought you should know.)

8:24 - The new Treehouse of Horror is on Nov 4. WHY?? I will never get why anyone would run a Halloween special after the holiday is over. At least go with Price is Right rules: if you can't hit the date dead on, go low, not high. How is it better to air a holiday special four days after the holiday when everyone has moved on, rather than 3 days before when the holiday season is still in full swing?

8:26 - Jamey Carroll just called out Youk's beard by claiming Todd Helton's is superior during line up intros.

By the way, the Jesus wanted my comeback post to be about the wizard that he's convinced lives in Helton's face pubes. Unfortunately for you readers, or luckily, depending on how you look at it, I haven't been able to find enough peyote to smoke in order to turn that into a full column yet. But I'll keep you posted.

8:30 - According to Tim McCarver, the key to the game for the Red Sox is wake me up at 4. As in, after four victories in this series. Nice to know their key to the game is to sleepwalk on the hottest team in baseball.

8:31 - First pitch foul. Second pitch bunted foul. After a low and inside splitter, Schill-Schill hits Taveras in the hand.

8:35 - God I can't believe Kaz isn't still playing in the minor leagues somewhere. Meanwhile on 30 Rock, Tracy Morgan is gonna start fighting dogs. God I love this show.

8:38 - Joe Buck just informed us that if a base is stolen tonight, "America will win a free taco." Offering me free Taco Bell is like offering a 10-year-sober former addict some liquid heroin - I know it's gonna turn my colon inside out while I howl bloody murder on the toilet, but I'm gonna fucking eat that shit with fire sauce anyway.


8:41 - Merlin Face grounds out to drive Taveras home. 1 - 0 Rockies.

(P.S. As bitter as I am about this team sweeping the Phillies out of our first October since 93, four years of dealing with obnoxious bandwagon douchebag Red Sox fans at the University of Delaware has forced me to hate them more than any other team in any sport save for divisional rivals. So fuck them. I've fully embraced Cocktober, or whatever their calling it.)

(P.S.S. And yes, as an unabashed and completely irrational homer, I do use "we" when referring to the teams I root for. Some of you may get the urge to call me a hypocrite for just having bashed all those insufferable Red Sox fans. And everyone of you can fall on a fat dick and contract SARS.

8:43 - Sox out of the inning, 30 Rock at commercials.

8:47 - Kevin Youkilis looks like he'd be more at home covered in leather, strapped into some sort of torture device and getting plowed in the ass by Zed and his redneck friend.

8:49 - Inning over. Now that I think about it, Youk actually kinda looks like the guy from Clerks 2 that fucks the donkey. I wouldn't be surprised if it was him.

8: 51 - I actually missed most of 30 Rock, but it seems like a shitty episode so oh well. Although Alex (or Alec? or Billy?) Baldwin is doing some really good black voices. Haha and now Mexicans. Classic.

8:54 - I know that last entry was chockful of shitty grammar, but no proofreading! This is actually pretty fun. Meanwhile, I can't believe I haven't seen any "Toolawitzki" jokes. Maybe I'm the only one immature enough to actually think that was funny.

8:57 - Double play, inning over.

9:09 - Back from the bathroom and watching the Office. Joe Buck is worried about the Californians burning in the wildfires. In a related note, he just took a quick break to change his Tampax.

9:17 - Having some long breaks because I can't think of anything funny to write about the Office, sorry. Not that it isn't funny, there's just no way to relate it so back to the game.

9:22 - Pedroia walks. I know I'm walking on a beaten path here, but I fucking HATE this announcing team. Buck is a whiny cunt who sounds like his only sports knowledge comes off cue cards. He is so far out of touch with the average American fan base its fucking pathetic. Tell me you have one friend who actually likes Joe Buck. Do it, I dare you. OK I have to end this. I can't even get into McCarver, I'm getting to the level of anger where I want to blast Creeping Death at full volume, shout DIE! DIE! DIE! over and over and slam my head into my desk.

9:33 - OK back to the game full time. Top of the 4th, still 1 - 0. Holiday has a short stroke. As opposed to my stroke. Which is longer, and has much more power. His short stroke had enough for a single up the middle though.

9:36 - Three pop ups to end the top half. What a shitty game. I may have to go get some beers soon.

9:37 - Another Taco Bell commercial. I wonder if I missed a stolen base? I might have to break my no research rule. Nah, off to the bar!

11:07 - Back from the bar. 5 Buds in. Couple Natty Lights left to help me finish. And yes we did have a steal. Quick Recap: We had a steal. Schill-Schill pitched well. Can't wait to see him in red pinstripes next year. Red Sox are winning. Shoot me.

Quick Note: I was at the bar watching the game for over an hour and a half, and it's been two innings maybe? Something like that, I'm not sure. Either way, playoff baseball blows. It's like pulling teeth. Regular season baseball is long and slow enough, but this is fucking torture. I'd rather have Britney Spears individually rip my pubes out with her teeth after learning she lost her kids to K-Fed than sit through a 5 hour regulation game. Kill me.

11:14 - Joe Buck just told us how great it is to be a fan in New England these days. BC just came back to win (and I was in a VT sponsored bar, I wish I fucking stayed!), the Patriots are killing it, the Celtics have their big three, and of course the White Sox are in the World Series. I guess we shouldn't expect the man calling the game to get the team right. Right?

11:19 - Okajima is on a fucking tear. I'd love nothing more than for the woodland critters to tear out his eye, piss their AIDS urine into his empty socket, then kill him and use his blood for lubricant as they rape his dead corpse.

11:21 - Fred Claus commercial. While I have you, I recommend checking out www.tnaflix.com. Really solid porno. I've been getting into the Not the Bradys clips lately.

11:23 - E - A - G - L - E - S EAGLES!

11:24 - Joe Buck reading pitch for Miller High Life is a god damn travesty.

11:25 - So are you guys as psyched for Guitar Hero 3 as I am? I've been hearing "One" in my head all week. It's seriously taking over my mind.

11:27 - Holy shit, Papelbon is a jackass. Nice montage of his so called 'Running Man.' God I fucking hate the Red Sox. It's so bad that if Manny Corpas did that I might have thought it was funny. Especially because it was set to the Flogging Molly song from the Departed. But because it was Papelbon it just made me want to shoot him in the throat with a crossbow.

Then have the woodland critters rape his arrow wound.

11:30 - Some punk ass little Boston fan with braces just screamed "go red sox" into the camera. He couldn't have been more than 12. And he sounded like one of the Olly girls. I bet he sucks alot of dick.

11:33 - Holy shit 24 looks nuts. I can't even describe how excited I am. Jack Bauer with no CTU and no restrictions going after Mexican ass Tony Almeida? That is gold. Solid gold. The alien from American Dad couldn't shit out this kind of gold. I literally have some chub sitting here thinking about the crazy murders Jack will commit with no one controlling him. I need to watch some Not the Bradys.

11:40 - I didn't know that Diceukay guy was pitching in the bullpen. Anyway, he struck out Kazuo. Who should be playing in Ohio somewhere, so I guess thats not much of an accomplishment. If I had one of those little dogs like Britney or Paris had, I could teach that little shit to strike out Kazuo. Or JD Drew for that matter. This World Series sucks. If only drugs were legal.

11:42 - What the French Toast?! I love that commercial.

11:43 - Some asshole has a giant Papelbon sign with dangling legs and short shorts. It correlates very well with the very gay segment I described earlier. And yes, Joe Buck did just call him "Twinkle Toes Papaelbon." That's why I hate him. That's why you hate him. That's why I hope some disgruntled Boston African American takes his frustrations out on Mr. Buck's colon in some back alley after the game tonight.

11:45 - I'm on fire tonight.

11:46 - Matt Holiday gets his dumbass thrown out. Fuck.

P.S.S.S. - Just wanted to reiterate that spelling and grammatical errors cannot be held against me. Especially the longer this shit goes.

11:49 - Joe Buck loves Tim McCarver's cum in his mouth.

11:51 - Julio Lugo just got called out for bouncing a bunt into his leg while running out of the batter's box. Bizarre, but it looks like the right call. And I'm all for it. But still, bizarre.

11:53: I love this cingular commercial where Roger Clemens calls his wife about coming back for the Yanks. I really don't know why, I'm just wondering if anyone else does.

11:59 - Big inning coming up for Colorado. I think their gonna come up with nothing and end up losing this game.
12:06 - Todd Helton struck out.

12:08 - This is it. Last batter. 1 - 2. Struck him out. Joe Buck shits his pants out of excitement.

The views expressed in this article are of and with the expressed written consent of Mr. Timothy Hardaway.

Why Bill Simmons no Longer has Credibility

There was a day when I really enjoyed reading Bill Simmons articles, he was a homer who was always realistic about his teams chances and always seemed to have a decent amount of knowledge about the games no matter the sport. Then one day he woke up and the Patriots were the biggest cheaters in the NFL. Ever since that day the best way to describe a Simmons article is the excrement that remains in the toilet seconds before it is flushed. Don't get me wrong, he is still a good writer but I dont understand how he could still have any credibility when he makes crazy outlandish statements such as the following.

According to Simmons "Fourth-string running back Kyle Eckel rammed home a fourth-and-1 carry with 19 seconds remaining in a 14-point game. Normally, you take a knee there..."

Normally you take a knee on fourth-and-1? Why would you take a knee on fourth-and-1? You would turn the ball over, if you turn the ball over the clock stops and the game doesn't end. Yes, it still would have been nearly impossible for "America's Team" to come back from that deficit, but you dont take a knee on fourth-and-1? Every red-blooded American sports fan knows that you dont take a knee on fourth-and-1.

What an idiot.

As for that being the Patriots new patented "eff-u TD", are you kidding me? The Cowboys were down by 14 with 19 seconds to play, the game was over, (for all those about to quote the Cowboys coming back against the Bills, just keep quiet because it would not have happened here), do you really think that anybody from a potential Super Bowl team is going to break their back trying to tackle a guy on the last play of a game that was already lost? It was a running play when a running play was required, what was Eckel going to do when the Cowboys were going half-assed? Was he going to fall down? As the great all-knowing Bill Simmons pointed out he is a 4th string running back, he is not going to score that much in his career so of course he took it to the house when he had the opportunity.

Now the Pats are a good team, they beat the team with the best record in the NFC, but everyone already knew that any of the top three teams in the AFC would probably give the Cowboys a run for their money if not beat them. The Colts not only won the Super Bowl last year but are still undefeated, the Steelers are 5-1 and their only loss came because they were banged up against a surprisingly decent Arizona Cardinals team. So before Simmons goes claiming that the Patriots are the best team ever or even claim that they are saying "eff-u" to the rest of the NFL, maybe he should at least wait until they beat the defending, undefeated Super Bowl champions.

Now he is trying to defend the Patriots cheating by saying everyone else was doing it. Are you serious Billy? Everyone else was doing it, is this second grade and you were caught pissing in the trashcan or something? Your team cheated, you guys stole a former assistants signals because your coach is an idiot. You were playing the Jets and you cheat, I could understand maybe the Colts or hell even the Broncos, but the J-E-T-S JETS? Then Rodney Harrison is suspended for steroids, are you going to reverse course on steroids now and say everyone else was doing it? If you want to make fun of Mangini for rating out Belichek about cheating, then dont act like your trying to rat out every other team by saying everyone else was doing it. On top of that, if you compare this to any other form of cheating then you are an idiot, this is the only form of cheating that can directly affect the results of the game. Stealilng defensive signals so you know what they are going to do and then relay it to your offense. Your team sucks for not scoring 100 points. Everyone else was doing it, get over yourself.

Thank God its almost basketball season, hopefully Simmons will spot dreaming of a fellatio encounter with Tom Brady and talk about a sport he knows a little bit about.

Take a knee on fourth-and-one, what an idiot.

Here is the link to the story if you dont believe me. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/bostonblog/071015