Live Blogging the World Series in One Take with NO DVR While Switching Back and Forth to Watch 30 Rock and the Office Too

Calvin got a job! It's true. I finally have a paycheck coming in from a company that not only offers me benefits, but also doesn't make it's revenue from slinging ice cream and sandwiches. High class. (By the way, I know that picture of Dave Chappelle working at Wac Arnolds is small and shitty, but it's the best Google images could do, so take it up with them.) Anyway, I am now living and working in the beautiful city of Baltimore.

You didn't think my propensity for littering my posts
with tons of pictures to cover up my lack of any serious
ability to write creatively would have disappeared during
the hiatus did you? Didn't think so.

I'm not going to tell you what I do because that will only make you all hate me more than you do now, and I have to cut my losses somewhere. Anyway, on to the most impulsive, least prepared for, and completely un-proofread comeback post you'll read on any blog anywhere this week!

8:08 - Vince Vaughn shamelessly promoting Fred Claus in a bit where he does his usual overbearing bit while at the same time being completely clueless. The segment was painful but I'll still see his movie.

8:14 - Just as I was about to type that doing this with no recording already made me miss who was singing the Anthem, I just realized it's fucking James Taylor! Holy shit he looks terrible. What a shame, he looks like an 80 year old Robert Duvall.

8:16 - FOX is recapping Game One to the hip tunes of Live. Specifically, the riff to the song that goes "All over you, all over me, the sun, the something, the something else...." I can't think of the right lyrics. Or the name of the song. But fuck it, the whole point of this post is that I have an excuse to do ZERO research.

8:19 - Commercials, so I switched to My Name is Earl. More commercials. I like Jason Lee, and this show always seems to be funny, but I never make a point to watch it.

8:20 - WHOA! In the span of about 30 seconds on Earl, we see a full frontal shot of Michael Rapaport and find out that Jaime Pressly is about 12 months pregnant. Back to FOX.

(Disclaimer: If this game becomes a blow-out, and/or incredibly boring, I'm reserving the right to cut this short to hit a bar. Just thought you should know.)

8:24 - The new Treehouse of Horror is on Nov 4. WHY?? I will never get why anyone would run a Halloween special after the holiday is over. At least go with Price is Right rules: if you can't hit the date dead on, go low, not high. How is it better to air a holiday special four days after the holiday when everyone has moved on, rather than 3 days before when the holiday season is still in full swing?

8:26 - Jamey Carroll just called out Youk's beard by claiming Todd Helton's is superior during line up intros.

By the way, the Jesus wanted my comeback post to be about the wizard that he's convinced lives in Helton's face pubes. Unfortunately for you readers, or luckily, depending on how you look at it, I haven't been able to find enough peyote to smoke in order to turn that into a full column yet. But I'll keep you posted.

8:30 - According to Tim McCarver, the key to the game for the Red Sox is wake me up at 4. As in, after four victories in this series. Nice to know their key to the game is to sleepwalk on the hottest team in baseball.

8:31 - First pitch foul. Second pitch bunted foul. After a low and inside splitter, Schill-Schill hits Taveras in the hand.

8:35 - God I can't believe Kaz isn't still playing in the minor leagues somewhere. Meanwhile on 30 Rock, Tracy Morgan is gonna start fighting dogs. God I love this show.

8:38 - Joe Buck just informed us that if a base is stolen tonight, "America will win a free taco." Offering me free Taco Bell is like offering a 10-year-sober former addict some liquid heroin - I know it's gonna turn my colon inside out while I howl bloody murder on the toilet, but I'm gonna fucking eat that shit with fire sauce anyway.


8:41 - Merlin Face grounds out to drive Taveras home. 1 - 0 Rockies.

(P.S. As bitter as I am about this team sweeping the Phillies out of our first October since 93, four years of dealing with obnoxious bandwagon douchebag Red Sox fans at the University of Delaware has forced me to hate them more than any other team in any sport save for divisional rivals. So fuck them. I've fully embraced Cocktober, or whatever their calling it.)

(P.S.S. And yes, as an unabashed and completely irrational homer, I do use "we" when referring to the teams I root for. Some of you may get the urge to call me a hypocrite for just having bashed all those insufferable Red Sox fans. And everyone of you can fall on a fat dick and contract SARS.

8:43 - Sox out of the inning, 30 Rock at commercials.

8:47 - Kevin Youkilis looks like he'd be more at home covered in leather, strapped into some sort of torture device and getting plowed in the ass by Zed and his redneck friend.

8:49 - Inning over. Now that I think about it, Youk actually kinda looks like the guy from Clerks 2 that fucks the donkey. I wouldn't be surprised if it was him.

8: 51 - I actually missed most of 30 Rock, but it seems like a shitty episode so oh well. Although Alex (or Alec? or Billy?) Baldwin is doing some really good black voices. Haha and now Mexicans. Classic.

8:54 - I know that last entry was chockful of shitty grammar, but no proofreading! This is actually pretty fun. Meanwhile, I can't believe I haven't seen any "Toolawitzki" jokes. Maybe I'm the only one immature enough to actually think that was funny.

8:57 - Double play, inning over.

9:09 - Back from the bathroom and watching the Office. Joe Buck is worried about the Californians burning in the wildfires. In a related note, he just took a quick break to change his Tampax.

9:17 - Having some long breaks because I can't think of anything funny to write about the Office, sorry. Not that it isn't funny, there's just no way to relate it so back to the game.

9:22 - Pedroia walks. I know I'm walking on a beaten path here, but I fucking HATE this announcing team. Buck is a whiny cunt who sounds like his only sports knowledge comes off cue cards. He is so far out of touch with the average American fan base its fucking pathetic. Tell me you have one friend who actually likes Joe Buck. Do it, I dare you. OK I have to end this. I can't even get into McCarver, I'm getting to the level of anger where I want to blast Creeping Death at full volume, shout DIE! DIE! DIE! over and over and slam my head into my desk.

9:33 - OK back to the game full time. Top of the 4th, still 1 - 0. Holiday has a short stroke. As opposed to my stroke. Which is longer, and has much more power. His short stroke had enough for a single up the middle though.

9:36 - Three pop ups to end the top half. What a shitty game. I may have to go get some beers soon.

9:37 - Another Taco Bell commercial. I wonder if I missed a stolen base? I might have to break my no research rule. Nah, off to the bar!

11:07 - Back from the bar. 5 Buds in. Couple Natty Lights left to help me finish. And yes we did have a steal. Quick Recap: We had a steal. Schill-Schill pitched well. Can't wait to see him in red pinstripes next year. Red Sox are winning. Shoot me.

Quick Note: I was at the bar watching the game for over an hour and a half, and it's been two innings maybe? Something like that, I'm not sure. Either way, playoff baseball blows. It's like pulling teeth. Regular season baseball is long and slow enough, but this is fucking torture. I'd rather have Britney Spears individually rip my pubes out with her teeth after learning she lost her kids to K-Fed than sit through a 5 hour regulation game. Kill me.

11:14 - Joe Buck just told us how great it is to be a fan in New England these days. BC just came back to win (and I was in a VT sponsored bar, I wish I fucking stayed!), the Patriots are killing it, the Celtics have their big three, and of course the White Sox are in the World Series. I guess we shouldn't expect the man calling the game to get the team right. Right?

11:19 - Okajima is on a fucking tear. I'd love nothing more than for the woodland critters to tear out his eye, piss their AIDS urine into his empty socket, then kill him and use his blood for lubricant as they rape his dead corpse.

11:21 - Fred Claus commercial. While I have you, I recommend checking out www.tnaflix.com. Really solid porno. I've been getting into the Not the Bradys clips lately.

11:23 - E - A - G - L - E - S EAGLES!

11:24 - Joe Buck reading pitch for Miller High Life is a god damn travesty.

11:25 - So are you guys as psyched for Guitar Hero 3 as I am? I've been hearing "One" in my head all week. It's seriously taking over my mind.

11:27 - Holy shit, Papelbon is a jackass. Nice montage of his so called 'Running Man.' God I fucking hate the Red Sox. It's so bad that if Manny Corpas did that I might have thought it was funny. Especially because it was set to the Flogging Molly song from the Departed. But because it was Papelbon it just made me want to shoot him in the throat with a crossbow.

Then have the woodland critters rape his arrow wound.

11:30 - Some punk ass little Boston fan with braces just screamed "go red sox" into the camera. He couldn't have been more than 12. And he sounded like one of the Olly girls. I bet he sucks alot of dick.

11:33 - Holy shit 24 looks nuts. I can't even describe how excited I am. Jack Bauer with no CTU and no restrictions going after Mexican ass Tony Almeida? That is gold. Solid gold. The alien from American Dad couldn't shit out this kind of gold. I literally have some chub sitting here thinking about the crazy murders Jack will commit with no one controlling him. I need to watch some Not the Bradys.

11:40 - I didn't know that Diceukay guy was pitching in the bullpen. Anyway, he struck out Kazuo. Who should be playing in Ohio somewhere, so I guess thats not much of an accomplishment. If I had one of those little dogs like Britney or Paris had, I could teach that little shit to strike out Kazuo. Or JD Drew for that matter. This World Series sucks. If only drugs were legal.

11:42 - What the French Toast?! I love that commercial.

11:43 - Some asshole has a giant Papelbon sign with dangling legs and short shorts. It correlates very well with the very gay segment I described earlier. And yes, Joe Buck did just call him "Twinkle Toes Papaelbon." That's why I hate him. That's why you hate him. That's why I hope some disgruntled Boston African American takes his frustrations out on Mr. Buck's colon in some back alley after the game tonight.

11:45 - I'm on fire tonight.

11:46 - Matt Holiday gets his dumbass thrown out. Fuck.

P.S.S.S. - Just wanted to reiterate that spelling and grammatical errors cannot be held against me. Especially the longer this shit goes.

11:49 - Joe Buck loves Tim McCarver's cum in his mouth.

11:51 - Julio Lugo just got called out for bouncing a bunt into his leg while running out of the batter's box. Bizarre, but it looks like the right call. And I'm all for it. But still, bizarre.

11:53: I love this cingular commercial where Roger Clemens calls his wife about coming back for the Yanks. I really don't know why, I'm just wondering if anyone else does.

11:59 - Big inning coming up for Colorado. I think their gonna come up with nothing and end up losing this game.
12:06 - Todd Helton struck out.

12:08 - This is it. Last batter. 1 - 2. Struck him out. Joe Buck shits his pants out of excitement.

The views expressed in this article are of and with the expressed written consent of Mr. Timothy Hardaway.

Why Bill Simmons no Longer has Credibility

There was a day when I really enjoyed reading Bill Simmons articles, he was a homer who was always realistic about his teams chances and always seemed to have a decent amount of knowledge about the games no matter the sport. Then one day he woke up and the Patriots were the biggest cheaters in the NFL. Ever since that day the best way to describe a Simmons article is the excrement that remains in the toilet seconds before it is flushed. Don't get me wrong, he is still a good writer but I dont understand how he could still have any credibility when he makes crazy outlandish statements such as the following.

According to Simmons "Fourth-string running back Kyle Eckel rammed home a fourth-and-1 carry with 19 seconds remaining in a 14-point game. Normally, you take a knee there..."

Normally you take a knee on fourth-and-1? Why would you take a knee on fourth-and-1? You would turn the ball over, if you turn the ball over the clock stops and the game doesn't end. Yes, it still would have been nearly impossible for "America's Team" to come back from that deficit, but you dont take a knee on fourth-and-1? Every red-blooded American sports fan knows that you dont take a knee on fourth-and-1.

What an idiot.

As for that being the Patriots new patented "eff-u TD", are you kidding me? The Cowboys were down by 14 with 19 seconds to play, the game was over, (for all those about to quote the Cowboys coming back against the Bills, just keep quiet because it would not have happened here), do you really think that anybody from a potential Super Bowl team is going to break their back trying to tackle a guy on the last play of a game that was already lost? It was a running play when a running play was required, what was Eckel going to do when the Cowboys were going half-assed? Was he going to fall down? As the great all-knowing Bill Simmons pointed out he is a 4th string running back, he is not going to score that much in his career so of course he took it to the house when he had the opportunity.

Now the Pats are a good team, they beat the team with the best record in the NFC, but everyone already knew that any of the top three teams in the AFC would probably give the Cowboys a run for their money if not beat them. The Colts not only won the Super Bowl last year but are still undefeated, the Steelers are 5-1 and their only loss came because they were banged up against a surprisingly decent Arizona Cardinals team. So before Simmons goes claiming that the Patriots are the best team ever or even claim that they are saying "eff-u" to the rest of the NFL, maybe he should at least wait until they beat the defending, undefeated Super Bowl champions.

Now he is trying to defend the Patriots cheating by saying everyone else was doing it. Are you serious Billy? Everyone else was doing it, is this second grade and you were caught pissing in the trashcan or something? Your team cheated, you guys stole a former assistants signals because your coach is an idiot. You were playing the Jets and you cheat, I could understand maybe the Colts or hell even the Broncos, but the J-E-T-S JETS? Then Rodney Harrison is suspended for steroids, are you going to reverse course on steroids now and say everyone else was doing it? If you want to make fun of Mangini for rating out Belichek about cheating, then dont act like your trying to rat out every other team by saying everyone else was doing it. On top of that, if you compare this to any other form of cheating then you are an idiot, this is the only form of cheating that can directly affect the results of the game. Stealilng defensive signals so you know what they are going to do and then relay it to your offense. Your team sucks for not scoring 100 points. Everyone else was doing it, get over yourself.

Thank God its almost basketball season, hopefully Simmons will spot dreaming of a fellatio encounter with Tom Brady and talk about a sport he knows a little bit about.

Take a knee on fourth-and-one, what an idiot.

Here is the link to the story if you dont believe me. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/bostonblog/071015

FOXSports Likes THHY

Adam Schein has an idea on how to prevent all those NFL rookie holdouts. I'm in awe of his remarkable genius.

Football + Penny = Happiness

Okay, I know what you are all thinking and the answer is no, I actually did not die this summer. I've actually been at a little party town on the east coast all summer dedicating my life to Bankers Club, Natty Light and the occasional fornication. However, I am making my way back up north and will bless you with your dirty little fetishes I like to call my post. By the way, believe me that there will be an amazing fill-in of summertime stories coming up, ALL DETAILS INCLUDED. So dont go whacking it yet. Now onto the main reasons I was so inspired to post instead of look up porn (excuse: just did that) or go chase some tail (excuse: just looked up porn).

FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!

The inevitable depression from the end of summer can only be lifted by one thing, The Bright Shining Star on the helmets of America's Team, YOUR DALLAS COWBOYS. That's right, the 'Boys just whipped up on the Colts for the 2nd time in the past year. I understand that its just preseason and everything but I dont fucking care because its finally football season.

Maybe Tony Romo cries on the field, maybe he fumbles the most important snap of the past 5 years of my life, maybe I hated him for a while. However, he has rebounded nicely by being denied the near impossible task of holding a football and has settled for completing 10-11 passes in the first game back from the most devastating moment in sports history. He will be back as the best quarterback in the division, scratch that, in the conference this season. I admit it, I'm gay for Tony Romo and there is nothing wrong with that.

Dallas Cowboys- soon to be 6-time SUPERBOWL CHAMPS
Philadelphia Eagles- still at ZERO

ON TO SOME HOOPS NOW

My favorite player to ever wear a jersey is staging a comeback. Thats right the most explosive player from the 90's Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway is going to play for the Heat along side fellow 90's great and former teammate Shaq. Not only do I predict that Hardaway will comeback better than ever, I predict that he supplants D-Wade as the Heat's go-to guy. Okay maybe not but it will be funny as hell to see him and Shaq playing together for the first time since the big guy shaded out to L.A. If you dont remember how good this guy was then you are missing some great memories of a champion amongst men. As a refresher I left you a clip of the two best guards from the 90's showing how good basketball used to be.

Penny's comeback raises an even more important question, What happened to Lil' Penny? There are rumors that he was found dead in a St. Louis crackhouse http://forum.sbrforum.com/private-zone/82-li-l-penny-found-dead-crack-house.html, but that story has more holes in it than Tony Montana did at the end of Scarface. I personally feel that Lil' Penny realized that his larger replica was declining due to injuries and decided to jump ship rather than be part of a shitty entourage to a former world-class athlete. I hope to hear reports of him running around South Beach this season with an old friend and possibly appear in appearance in a Nike commercial, but unfortunately we may have seen that little plastic turd chasing Tyra Banks for the last time. I'm leaving you a gift so that you can remember Lil' Penny.

The Easiest Way to Fix Holdouts

So we've come to the day when a dumb, fat offensive lineman from fucking Wisconsin, who couldn't even bother to show up to the NFL Draft because he was out drinking beer and fishing with his dad is going to hold out from training camp until he gets a monster deal? Are you fucking kidding me?! The NFL Draft is a mess, and it all starts with the compensation system. Year after year, there are big name holdouts who want the kind of money that veterans earn, all before participating in a single team drill, let alone playing any snaps.

I simply don't understand why a league that constantly fucks over its players with shitty pensions, no disability benefits, and generally the lowest paid players (despite being the most violent sport) feels the need to allow these unproven douchebag rookies come in and try to strong arm the teams that draft them. These teams are giving draftees the opportunity to PLAY A SPORT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. These assholes don't need to put on a shirt and tie and toil away at a computer 12 months out of the year for $40,000. And they still want more? You must be fucking kidding me. No wonder Larry Johnson (and many before him) thinks it's OK to sign a legal contract, and then withhold the services they agreed to provide unless they get more money.

How do we fix this problem? Simple. Take a page from the NBA. When Portland takes Oden (although they should take Durant), he'll be locked in for four years, with the last two as team options. He gets $3.8 mil for the first, followed by $4.1, $4.6 and $5.6. The rest of the first rounders shake out from there. How easy is that? No bitching, no moaning, no complaining. You don't like it, don't declare in the first place dick. The NBA may make some queer decisions like the dress code, or suddenly changing the ball used to play the game, but they generally take care of their players. But despite the guaranteed contracts, the marketing and huge endorsement deals, they don't let any of these potential draft busts hold a team hostage. It's such an easy, blatant solution, it's no wonder the NFL fucks it up.

I simply don't understand why a league that constantly fucks over its players with shitty pensions, no disability benefits, and generally the lowest paid players (despite being the most violent sport) feels the need to allow these unproven douchebag rookies come in and try to strong arm the teams that draft them. These teams are giving draftees the opportunity to PLAY A SPORT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. These assholes don't need to put on a shirt and tie and toil away at a computer 12 months out of the year for $40,000. And they still want more? You must be fucking kidding me. No wonder Larry Johnson (and many before him) thinks it's OK to sign a legal contract, and then withhold the services they agreed to provide unless they get more money.

Goodell needs to take a page from Mr. Stern. He clearly doesn't shy away from shoving the hot rod of justice straight up any players degenerate ass, so he should have no problem taking the draftees out back and kicking their asses into line. No holdouts, no bitching. A rookie pay scale fixes all that. So come on, Rog, take that big stick and whoop the ass the way I know only you can do.

The THHY State of the Union Address

Hey there bitches, it's been awhile huh? Well its gonna be slow until training camp starts up... expect maybe a post every week or two. Why the shitty commitment by us? Well the Jesus is down at the beach without a computer all summer and I'm in the process of finding a job and moving to a whole new fucking city. But I'll give you what I can over the summer and we'll be back strong for several posts a week when football starts up again. It's gonna be hard, but I know you can wait that long.

Back with Bullets

Well, I think I'm finally back after a long hiatus which pretty much consisted of Keystone Light, Guitar Hero and Entourage. In honor of my glorious return to the internet, I feel compelled to give you a bullet-styled rundown of the hilarious shit that is happening on an otherwise lazy day of sports.

• Clinton Portis thinks its no big deal if Michael Vick hosted dog fights at his house. All this has proved is that Clinton Portis may be a good football player but is a shitty human being. Between playing for the Redskins and supporting Dogfights he equals out to the complete shit hole of human existance. Throw on that he went to University of Miami and copied Chad Johnson's mohawk last season and he becomes a complete fucking tool as well. Clinton Portis, I really wish you would read this to see how real people (not your fucking money-grubbing thuggish dogfighting cock-suckers you call your "boys") feel about the fact that you support dog fighting and inhumane treatment of animals. I seriously hope that you dont reproduce because you are single-handedly holding back all of human life.
  


• Clinton Portis calls Michael Vick a good role model and says that people should mind their own business. What a fucking clown. Vick only got caught bringing weed onto an airplane and owns property where illegal dog fights took place and thats a good role model? Thats the equivalent as saying Lawrence Phillips or Bill Romanowski is a good role model. If this was any other person who was hosting dog fights where animals are tortured they would be sent to a psychiatrist to see if they are fucking sadistic and have problems. But hey its Michael Vick, the quarterback who can't pass and the NFL still tries to make him out to be the best player in the league, he will get out of this with a nice little chat with the commish.
  


• I love Steroids. People need to make up their fucking minds. A decent number of baseball fans say that they would respect Barry Bonds a lot more if he admits that he used steroids while they were not illegal in the game, and shows that he has passed all drug tests since they were made illegal. Then Jason Giambi goes and does this exact thing, even apologizes for taking steroids saying that it was the biggest mistake he ever made, and now everyone is talking about releasing him, trading him or suspending him. Stop being fucking hipocrites. He did it, he made a mistake, he owned up to it, what else do you want? Instead of spending money on how to test for HGH or anything else that would be more beneficial to baseball and society, we are busy trying to crucify someone for coming clean and being honest, which is more than you can say about past Baseball "Golden Boys" (McGwire, Sosa). This is ridiculous and baseball would do itself a favor to drop this bullshit investigation.

(I never thought I would say this, but Giambi is the man)

• Hammerin' Hank once again says that he will not be present when/if Barry Bonds breaks his record. I have a lot of respect for Hank, always seems like a class act whenever he is being interviewed or on television. However, he flip/flops sides on this argument more than John Kerry (bad politics joke I know). On one hand he says that steroids don't help you to hit a baseball, on the otherhand hes not going to watch Barry break his record. If he thinks Barry shouldn't break the record because he took steroid then just say it, don't tip toe around the subject because you dont want him to go through the same stuff you had to go through. Take a side and stick with it because personally I'm tired of a headline on ESPN that says that you repeated yourself again.
  
• George Foreman says that he was drugged before the "Rumble in the Jungle" where Ali beat the shit out of him. The fight was in Africa where many other diseases and much more controversial issues like drugging can take place so this is actually likely. But why the hell would he take over 30 years before coming out and saying anything, or at least making it as well known as it is now. Why would you wait for Ali to be in a poor physical state where he is only a shadow of himself and really can not defend himself or his victory. I think that this is just about the time where Foreman has to come out and make news one more time just so he can promote himself and sell more Foreman Grills. Remember his "comeback" 5 years ago?

Trent Green says that he is no longer playing in Kansas City, Lance Briggs says that he is no longer playing in Chicago. Okay maybe there could be a trade possibility here but thats not what my point is. My point is that your in the fucking NFL, shut up and play. Who cares if you dont have a long-term deal, the average working man does not have any job security, we could get fired or sent to a different city tomorrow so deal with your $5 million plus a year and play the game for fun, like you used to. All you guys do is look like complete douchebags who are more and more out of touch with your fans everyday. If I had the talent, I would play football for 30 Grand a year, even less since they would pay for meals and travel. And seriously, who the Hell are Trent Green and Lance Briggs to demand a trade. Trent Green is the beneficiary of a Hall-of-Fame tight end, one of the best offensive lines ever and two of the best running backs of the past ten years and Briggs is a good player but he is playing alongside the best linebacker in the game for the past 5 years, Brian Urlacher, and was only one part of an all around amazing defense.

• The draft lottery is tonight and to follow up on Simmons' Karma post, I hope Karma comes and fucks the Celtics in the ass. I really hope that the Celtics get one of the first two picks so Simmons can get all hyped for the Oden/Durant era and then turn around and start crying to everyone when they draft Joakim Noah or Mike Conley Jr. But then, as we have learned from Simmons by now, Noah/Conley will become a stud and Simmons will have called it all along and the only reason he thought Durant was so good was because he caught more of those games on the West Coast so couldn't properly evaluate the back-back National Championship winning Noah. So really we are all screwed unless the Sixers somehow get into one of the top 2 picks.
  
  
• Okay thats all I have today except for one last giant FUCK YOU to Clinton Portis. You giant disgrace and pathetic excuse for a human being, I can only wish that you receive a Theismann like leg injury and you are forgotten you bum. Thank god you are too stupid to ever land a sports anchor job.

How We Keep It Real in Hotlanta

It's time to cut Mike Vick loose. Arthur Blank said he's taking a stance against player misconduct this year, and it's time to step up to the plate. I'm sick of this bullshit of letting star players off to do whatever they want. You wanna reform your chain gang of felons Mr. Blank? Well then start with the fucking ringleader.

Mike Vick has flipped off his own fans. It's now blatantly obvious he pulls a Randy Moss too. And he gets off. We were told this was the last straw right? Well now, we find out he's pulling a Cheese, keeping more than 60 dogs on a property he owns, starving them, and forcing them to fight. That is complete bullshit. I have nothing wrong with two grown men beating the everloving piss out of each other, but starving dogs and making them kill for nourishment is fucking criminal. His ass shouldn't just be cut, he should be in fucking jail.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves; he's obviously not going to jail. He probably won't even be cited. He's a star athlete in the prime of his underachieving, overpaid career. Not to mention that he doesn't actually live at this property, he just owns it.

That shouldn't matter, however. The guy is fucking scum, just like his trashy brother. Arthur Blank probably had a heart attack when he heard about this. He probably reached right for his phone to cut this leech on society loose, but then stopped short. "Who would play quarterback? Oh right, I traded our best quarterback to the Texans. Joey Harrington starting? No fucking way! Over my dead, bloated, impotent body!"

So Mike Vick is gonna get off with a slap on the wrist at best. He'll keep thugging it up, ripping bingers and gang raping white women. All I can do is hope and pray that Sergeant Slaughter, I mean, Great Warlord General Goodell will go all righteous on his ass and bring down the hammer of pain and justice like he did to poor, misunderstood Pacman.

Pacman Says He's Sorry

yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo,

its yo boy p-diiiidyy here. you know, pacman mufucka jones nigga. i'm here at THHY to lay down some fuckin flavva. this site needs a lil style nameans?

anyway, im tryin apologize and shit man. i know i been fuckin up an im tryin fix that shit. i aint mean to keep gettin bopped and shit man.

look yo, i made that shit rain, i mean that shit rained like fuckin katrina yaheard? but them cunt hos tried to goose up my bills son. so i had to roll son, yaheard.

fuckin popped that bitch secuurity guard. fuck him. but yo im sorry and shit. i aint mean to get all heated an shit. my bad.

i's wish i could fuckin play an shit, but shit i cant do that shit. dickhead goodell took me out for like a whole year an shit.

so ima fuckin just chill and fucking rip bings all day loong. toke it likes its hot nigga.

see ya'll mufuckas in 2008 bitch.

p-man


p.s. i aint mean that shit baby

Video Bonanza

Not enough time for a traditional post, so here's my Top 5 YouTube videos of the day:

Tony Romo's defining play as a Cowboy:

The Sparkling Wiggles:

A leprechaun is on the loose in Mobile:

Sweet Chin Music to the jaw:

I like how stoner vision sounds like the Bowser laugh


And in memoriam of the most entertaining man in sports today:

Stupidity is Contagious

Okay, I realize that I'm not pumping out these things like I said I was going to but I'm getting there. Plus the Joo is taking every subject before I even get a chance to write, kind of like a secret scheme to steal the site for himself. Unfortunately for him, I have found a way to rid him of his evil plan. How will I do this you ask? The answer is actually quite simple. I will never sleep and keep constant tabs on ESPN.com therefore taking my pick of the stories before he would ever have the opportunity to take the best subjects. Ever. Or else I guess I could stop being a lazy shit and just write. Whatever, ON WITH THE POST.

As its being reported the Miami Dolphins are really trying to get Trent Green. Are they high? Let's look at the facts, Trent Green is a 36 year old quarterback who is coming off a season where he suffered a concussion that made him miss half of the season. His team played better once his back-up, Damon Huard, started taking the snaps. If they do get Green, they are going to have to pay him starting quarterback money too. How can you commit a minimum of $7 million a year to a 36 year old quarterback who missed most of last season with a concussion?

This all sounds a little familiar though. Last season the Dolphins sign a quarterback who is returning from a major injury. After his back-up took over his team rallied and almost made the playoffs. They signed him to a starting quarterbacks contract. Now, Daunte Culpepper will most likely be traded before the season begins. This team is running in circles with the number of mediocre quarterbacks they have brought in.

Now lets apply logic. Bringing in veterans with an injury history (Culpepper and Green) and letting inexperienced nobodies (A.J. Feeley) doesn't work so what option is left? How about the good old fashioned NFL draft.

Everyone seems to agree that there are two "can't miss" quarterback prospects in this draft and almost every mock draft that I've seen has them going in the top 5. However, many teams in the top 5 are supposedly interested in trading down and the Dolphins would most likely end up giving up a pick in order to bring in Trent Green anyways. So why wouldn't they package their 1st rounder with a couple other later picks and try to trade up to get what could possibly be their quarterback of the future? Maybe that makes too much sense.

I'm making the prediction that if Miami makes this trade and ends up with Trent Green then he will not end up as their starting quarterback the following season.

I also want to address the Charlie Manuel situation. Since I am from the Philadelphia area, I get to hear everyone's take on Manuel's furious argument with WIP sports broadcaster Howard Eskin, and let me say that I am loving every minute of this. Now don't get me wrong, I think Manuel is a completely horrible manager (see Brett Myers getting moved to the bullpen), but I would have loved to see Eskin get his little whiny ass kicked all over the Phillies clubhouse. He is the definition of ignorant combined with the definition of asshole. All he has ever done is trash every Philadelphia team with the exception of the Eagles due to his giant man crush on Andy Reid.

This is how Eskins show can be summed up for the past 5 years:

• Phillies suck, Larry Bowa is too hard on them
• Phillies suck, Charlie Manuel is too soft on them
• 76ers suck, They will never win with Iverson
• 76ers suck, They will never be as good as they were with Iverson
• Flyers suck, Ken Hitchcock's players aren't responding to him
• Flyers suck, Steven's players aren't playing as hard as when Hitchcock was coach.

He seriously contradicts himself on every show and whenever he realizes that there is a caller who has figured him out, he hangs up on him. Hey newsflash Howie, its okay to be wrong. People make mistakes, but calling everyone a moron and hanging up on them because their point is more logical than yours is something only an ignorant asshole would do.

Staying on WIP for a second, lets just say that listening to that station is one of the more enjoyable parts of my day. There is nothing more entertaining than listening to Philly sports fans calling in and crying about not winning a championship in 24 years. The best is during football season, every year there is one guy who swears that this is the Eagles turn to win it all. Then January comes around and the same guy is balling his eyes out into his cell phone on his way to drive himself off a bridge. Absolutely HILARIOUS.

By the way, Manuel will look awesome as the White Sox hitting coach and once again plays the role as Jim Thome's gay lover next season. Also, as one extra input here, fuck the White Sox and fuck Mark Buehrle. Why does shit like this always happen to my team. Oh my God, I sound like a Philly fan. Unlike Philly fans however I'm not going to drive off a bridge.

Anyways, thats all I've got for now but I will be back later on with some more sarcasm and insight.

Let's All Line Up To Fellate Tim Duncan

Tim Duncan is innocent. Tim Duncan is always innocent. He's never done anything wrong; he plays the game the right way, he doesn't talk trash, he doesn't throw teammates under the bus. Everyone loves Tim Duncan. If only every player in the NBA was like Tim Duncan.


Well suck my ass, Tim Duncan. You are a whiny pussy and you need to grow a real set of balls. You are the softest "superstar" in the league. OK, so Joey Crawford has gone somewhat over board in the past. But are we seriously suspending referees indefinitely now? Solely on the word of Tim Duncan? No one knows what was really said between Crawford and Duncan. If Crawford really challenged him to a fight, and Duncan says he would fight him, how come Timmy Boy didn't do anything at the time? He didn't get fired up or challenge Crawford at all. Because Crawford didn't say that, first of all. And because Tim Duncan is like the kid at a frat party who gets all fired up at some other asshole and screams his head off, but always manages to get caught between who he wants to fight and people who are holding him back and never actually throws a punch. He always conveniently is pulled away from the fight that he tried to start, and runs his mouth afterward how he would have kicked ass if he had the chance.

Well, fuck that. Are we really going to suspend a referee without due process or a fair trial for an undeclared period of time based solely on what Tim Duncan says? It's like we're fucking Nazi's and that's complete bullshit. What happened to zero tolerance? What happened to reeling in these cunt bag players who try to upstage refs? All of a sudden because it's Tim Duncan who acted out and ended up on the wrong side of a couple technicals, the policy is at fault? The zero tolerance policy has been too extreme from the start. But it's the policy this year, and suspending a referee for upholding the rules of the league is setting a dangerous precedent. As long as Tim Duncan gets his way like this just because he's the "poster boy" of the NBA, he will never stop whining and generally acting like a little bitch. Stick to the guns you put up Stern. Don't let some sloppy cunt with a bunch of sand in it influence how you run your business.

Nappy Is The New N-Word

I know I may be late to the dance on this one, but whatever.I have another post planned for tomorrow, but I wanted to weigh in quickly on this while I still could. Look, I hate Don Imus. He's an asshole and a racist, and really, a no talent ass clown. And for all those reasons, he deserved to be fired. But for calling Rutgers a bunch of nappy headed hos? Nope. That hardly should have gotten any mention. It wasn't right of him to call them hos, but that wasn't why this firestorm happened. It was the nappy headed part. And really, that part is pretty fucking innocent.

He said that the women (the black women) had thick, coarse hair. That's called nappy. Can you think of one black woman whose hair is not naturally nappy? Yeah, me neither. So what about that is racist? There was a racially based statement - not racially insensitive, but racially based. Calling the Rutgers basketball team nappy headed is a statement of fact. Albeit, a stupid and irrelevant statement of fact, but fact none the less. No different than if he called the US Olympic Swimming team a bunch of straight haired hos. The ho part is certainly offensive, the hair part is not. It's a fact. There was absolutely nothing racist about what Imus said.

I've heard the argument (Stuart Scott) that things like ho and nigger are OK for the black rap community to constantly drop into records because they use them as "terms of endearment." A ho is a hooker, a prostitute, a slut for money no matter how you intend it. You call a woman a ho, that is fucking offensive. I've called girls dirty whores before during sex, it's still offensive. And if the word nigger is so offensive (which it absolutely is), then there is no excuse for a black man to call his friends his niggers. You know what Robert E. Lee called the workers at his farm? His niggers.

It was insensitive to call them hos, but it wasn't insensitivity that cost him his job. For god sakes, there's a rap group that calls themselves "Nappy Roots." Black people have nappy hair. It's not racist to point this out. But our society has become so afraid of offending black people so as not to incur the wrath of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson that it almost seems offensive to call a black person black anymore. We strive so hard to show how far we have come from slavery and the era before civil rights that we are ready to crucify anyone who doesn't treat black society like the retarded cousin - treat him like he's a child even though he's 28 years old, and don't mention anything about his illness because it might upset him. And please, I am not saying being black is an illness. But the white media acts like it's something that cannot be mentioned in good sense. They want to label anyone who would call a black man a black man as racist. Being black is a source of pride, and acting like a white person even uttering the fact that a fellow man is black should be punished is insulting to all black people. We treat the subject of black people like it is taboo and should never be brought up in public. That's completely ludicrous.

White America is simply scared of Black America. The white media is so eager to please black people at every turn that they end up looking stupid and ignorant for it. Black America does not need this hand out pity that we constantly feed them. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson only further perpetuate this abomination. There are a lot of black people that agree that Sharpton and Jackson are a plague on their society and are as much a part of the problem as Imus. What Don Imus said was not insensitive to black people, it was insensitive to women. But being a sexist doesn't get you fired. You mention race though, and Reverend Al will put your ass in the stocks. He should be the one fired - he acts like it's a shame to specifically mention the black race in any sense. And that's more racist than anything Don Imus ever said.

And Down Goes Young...

Could there have been worse news? I say nay. Vincent Paul Young, Jr. will be the next great athlete to grace the cover of Madden Football. While he will look great on it, and will no doubt be impossible to stop in the game, his what-once-seemed inevitable rise to the ranks of the greatest quarterbacks ever to play the game is now seriously in question. While his impending injury should technically only end this coming season, what if he ends up ripping everything that connects his femur to his tibia like Daunte Culpepper did? He may never be the same again. This is a very black day for sports fans everywhere. The most electrifying man in sports today is on a runaway freight train headed towards the land of washed-up quarterbacks.

Let's take a very quick look at the highlights of previous curses:

1. Garrison Hearst (1999) - Broken ankle, out until 2001.
2. Eddie George (2001) - Somewhat of an anomaly, his curse started the year after he appeared, as he never averaged more than 3.4 yards a carry the rest of his career.
3. Duante Culpepper (2002) - Worse statistics than the year before he appeared, became completely useless as an NFL QB after 2005 injury.
4. Marshall Faulk (2003) - Ankle injury, never reached 1,000 yards again.
5. Michael Vick (2004) - Broken leg in preseason, didn't return until Falcons were already eliminated from playoff contention.
6. Ray Lewis (2005) - No interceptions, team went from division winners to missing playoffs, Lewis suffered broken wrist in last game. In 2005, Lewis suffered season ending injury in week 6.
7. Donovan McNabb (2006) - The most painful of them all. After going to the Super Bowl, McNabb gets a sports hernia in week 1. Plays through injury until week 10, when a blatant cheap shot by Roy Williams finally ends his season. Suffers season ending ligament tear against Titans in 2006.
8. Shaun Alexander (2007) - Reigning NFL MVP misses his first game in his seven year career after injuring his foot in week 1 and shutting it down for six weeks after the third game.

That's eight of the last nine years, and seven straight that a Madden cover athlete has had some form of detrimental incident set them back in their careers. Now, I don't believe in superstitions or karma or any of that tribal head shrinking bullshit, but that is a fucking scary history to look at. I mean, just look at the data for a minute! The only cover athlete EVER on Madden that isn't on this list is Barry Sanders, who retired before training camp the same year he was on the cover. So, he probably would have gotten mutilated that year and never walked again. I guess that was a smart move after all. I need to mention, however, that I left Dorsey Levens off, because he appeared the same year as Sanders - but only in Europe and other shitty inferior countries over there. He did, however, only gain 224 yards that year, then bounce around the league without ever again making an impact. So, without further ado, I present to you the odds on Vince Young's forthcoming calamity.

HIV acquired from mother of upcoming bastard child becomes full blown super AIDS - 250-1

Crazed hippie from 'Madden Nation' stabs Young after VY tells him he doesn't love him - 200-1


Broken leg suffered when Lendale White loses footing at buffet table and rolls across room overtop of Young's leg - 100 - 1
Hernia from holding all of Tennessee on his shoulders, Atlas style - 75 - 1

Sliced ankle tendon courtesy of a jilted and envious Matt Leinart - 50 - 1

Stray bullet wound from a night out on the town with good buddy Adam - 35 - 1

Damaged retina when Madden box thrown by fan for Young to sign strikes his eye - 20 - 1

Jacknifed at mid-field by Joey Porter, shattered vertebrae - 8 - 1

Broken collarbone, arm and ribs after being blindsided by a drunken, bored Chris Henry in week six - 3 - 1

Shot to death by Tank Johnson after accidentally "scuffing his kicks" - 3 - 2

Leave your own ideas in the comments.

UPDATE: I made a stupid ass mistake. Roy Williams picked McNabb on his last play of the season, it was Bradie James that laid down the cheap shot.

Roger Clemens : Barry Bonds :: THHY : Greatness

Everyone knows by now what happened today at Virginia Tech. Terrible, terrible news. I have some friends down there, and it sounds like they are all OK. I don't wanna say I'm glad it was no one I know, because that sounds horrible and insensitive to the fact that everyone who was hurt or killed is loved by someone that now feels awful. So I am just thankful that my friends are safe, and my thoughts go out to everyone suffering in anyway from this horrific tragedy.

With that in mind, I must continue with my original intended post. After all, if I was to let this affect the way I would have lived my life before it happened, then I've let the terrorists win. You can just call me Jack Bauer.


I agree with most of the things the Jesus had to say in regards to Barry Bonds - he's an asshole, a liar and a cheat with seemingly no conscious who just happens to be one of the greatest players to ever play the game. Sure, his batting statistics are Hall of Fame worthy, but remember, this is a guy that only four years ago became the first and so far only member of the 500 - 500 club when he stole his 500th base. No one else even has 400 HR's and 400 SB's. I don't personally want to see him break the record. If he does, however, I don't want to see the accomplishment cheapened in the media by the steroids allegations. It's not fair to play down his accomplishments based on speculation and because the man isn't well liked. I just want to see him blow out his knee for good so everyone can forget about him.

I bring that up so that I can move onto my next point - why does Roger Clemens get to skate by without anyone in the media so much as batting an eye? Everyone knows he got hit in the Grimsley fallout last year, so the idea was out there. But it was gone in a week. So let's break it all down. He follows the same arc that Bonds did. He was always an amazing player, he put up astonishing statistics, and as far as anyone could tell, he wasn't that great a person. I mean, he stabbed two different AL East teams right in the back. He signed with Toronto (after four mediocre years in Boston lowered his value), as Boston was trying to lock him into a deal to retire as a Red Sock. After being traded to New York and winning a few titles, he decided to retire. Only, instead of retiring, he returned the next year for his hometown Astros because they wouldn't make him travel with the team when he wasn't pitching. He even claimed that during the World Baseball Classic last year all the dry cleaners were closed because the Japanese and Koreans were at the games. That one sure didn't blow up like Don Imus' ho comment did it? What a stand up guy. He just embodies the values of team spirit, loyalty and responsibility doesn't he. Great role model.

Barry Bonds came under the scrutiny of suspicious writers when his numbers (and his head and neck) erupted around the age of 40. He no longer was a speedy guy who could steal bases and still hit for power. He became a ball mashing monster who drew intentional walks in record numbers because it seemed any ball thrown within ten feet of the plate was going into the Cove. He also drew scrutiny for the fact that he was able to remain fairly healthy even as he grew older. One of the benefits of steroids is that they allow aging athletes to prevent injuries, making them more durable. Remember, you don't hit 73 runs if your missing games with groin pulls or elbow strains.

Roger Clemens' last two years in New York featured ERA's of 4.35 and 3.91, respectively. Far from amazing numbers. His next year, the first in Houston, saw Roger improve to a 2.98 ERA. That's an entire run a game improvement. The next year, however, he posted a 1.87 ERA. The only other time he was below the two run a game mark was 1990, when he was 27 and had one of the best seasons of his career. This doesn't correlate at all with Bonds' rise? And speaking of durable, he started 32 games that year. He missed a late September start with a strained hamstring, but it took him three games of pitching through the injury before he finally sat down to take a start off.

I bring all this up because of an article blurb I read this morning at Ben Maller's rumor page. In light of pitching staff injuries to two of the three suitors vying to overpay enough to earn the Rocket's services this season, the issue was raised of whether he would speed up his decision process in order to help whatever team he ends up on stay afloat. His response, via agent Randy Hendricks, was simple: "Nothing is moving up our timetable." Just another classic example of the true asshole that is Roger Clemens. Why should he adjust so that he can help a team reach his ultimate goal of winning another World Series? No, he's just going to hold teams - only three teams, he won't even acknowledge any other ones - over the barrel for as much money as he can possibly squeeze out of one more year. Last year, he signed to the tune of 22 large. That's a hefty price to pay for a pitcher who won't even start pitching in the bigs until sometime in June. But of course, none of that matters - he has no responsibility to whichever team he ends up on, or to his teammates. The only responsibility is for said team to bring the Rocket his next title.

When you break it down, Bonds and Clemens are both bona fide legends whose numbers dipped somewhat as their careers dragged on. They both had a resurgence as they neared their 40th birthdays to put up astonishing stats, as well as surprising durability (save for Bonds' injury lost 2005, from which he seems to have bounced back pretty well from, considering he could hardly walk last year.) Both have been linked to steroids rings. And as everyone knows, both are complete dickheads. So why is all the shit heaped on Bonds while Clemens comes out smelling like roses? It's complete bullshit and I just don't get it. I don't see any more redeeming qualities in Clemens then I do in Bonds. This seems the perfect set up to play the race card, but I refuse to believe in that because the American public is too smart to racially profile against athletes in such an extreme manner. I refuse to accept it when another writer uses it, and I will never argue it myself because it's lazy writing; it's an uncreative tool used to stir up shit by people who can't form a real, solid argument. As for my argument in this matter, I don't have one. I see no excuse for the disparity of shit throwing concerning these two cock suckers. So if anyone has any ideas, please enlighten me. I'll appreciate it.

Awakened by Atlantic City

Unfortunately for myself I have finally awoken from my giant sex-coma, it was quite glorious. However, since I am alive again, I figured I might go ahead and give you guys some intelligent sports insight unlike the Joo's Penthouse Forums that have gone up lately. Personally I dont care who the hell he bangs or how he does it, unless she's fat cause then he's gonna catch some shit. But at least it was better than NASCAR.

Here's a quick fill-in of what happened with me during my absence- Florida, Coaching, Swim Meet, Family, Easter, Home, Atlantic City, Gambling, Third Eye Blind, Gays.

The first six aren't really worth mentioning but I had a fucking great time in Atlantic City. I saw the Third Eye Blind concert at the House of Blues which is in the Showboat Casino below.

Now I realize that Third Eye Blind is kind of a girly band but I know that you have memorized the words to Jumper or Semi-Charmed Life so you are just as gay as I am. I was a little nervous about them putting on a shitty show because I heard they sucked live but the concert was actually pretty good. The most surprising thing was actually the large gay crowd that was in attendance. Dont get me wrong if you like it in the butt I'm not knocking you, but I found it a little disturbing when I saw two guys holding hands and getting close to each other during a song called Deep Inside of You. Let's just say that was a little awkward. The only other disappointment was being right in behind two dumbass girls who were trying to mosh to Third Eye Blind. I was about to take my $12 Red Bull and Vodka and slam it straight in their face but then I realized that I paid $12 for a Red Bull and Vodka and I would rather drink it. Damn they were annoying, I would feel bad for their parents but they're probably fucked up individuals as well.

After that I realized that I spent like $50 on drinks during the concert and I only had like $30 left so I made a bee-line to the penny slots with the old people. I still made a little bit of money on those and attempted to graduate to the Quarter Slots, lets just say I was broke pretty quickly. After that I swung by the Hard Rock to get some of those kick-ass Nachos and then drove all the way back home. Good time though.

Jumping over to sports now, Happy J-Rob day to you. I think its a good idea and definitly a classy move that teams like the Dodgers and Phillies decided to wear the number 42 in his honor today. However I also think that it was a horrible move for other teams such as the Padres who chose not to honor him and did not wear his number. This should have been a great day for baseball but unfortunately a lot of games were rained out today, but at least the Dodgers played. Speaking of the Dodgers and Padres, during the 4th inning ESPN had Hank Aaron visit in the booth and talk baseball with Joe Morgan and Jon Miller for a little while. I was surprised that nobody even adressed the Barry Bonds issue to see how he feels or at least would react, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were not allowed to ask him about that. This made me think about how he would feel about Bonds breaking the record. I know that he had a quote a few years ago that went along the lines of saying "No one has ever proved that steroids make it easier to hit a baseball", but he has to realize that it helps to hit the ball farther.

Personally I kind of hope that Bonds breaks the record and I don't think there should be an asterisk or anything else put next to his numbers. The fact is that steroids were not illegal to the game of baseball when Bonds has been known to take them and since they were made illegal he hasn't failed a drug test. SO WHAT HAS HE DONE WRONG. Everyone is going to say that it was a question about ethics, but no the fuck it's not. He didn't do anything illegal, unethical or different than a large number of other players in the league. Everyone is just being ridiculous and does not want to see an unfriendly asshole take the record away from the classiest guy to play in the league. I like Hank Aaron the athlete and the person a million times better than I like Barry Bonds, but you can't deny him the record because he isn't a nice guy.

One more thing about steroids, for all you people who think that Bonds taking steroids has made it easier to break the record, realize that pitchers take steroids too. You don't face pitchers throwing fast-balls in the low 90's, just about every pitcher comes into the league throwing 95 miles an hour and most end up pitching only about 1 inning a game. Bonds faces teams that feature specialized bullpens, harder-throwing pitchers, teams that pitch around him every chance they get. It really takes away from not only Bonds, but all of today's players when you say that the game is easier now than it was in the past. If we keep this up then we will not see another great player, because everyones greatness is going to be questioned. Maybe we just need time to pass for us to realize how great an achievement this is, steroids or not.

On to some football, I can not describe how happy I am that Pac-Man Jones and Chris Henry got their ass-kicked on their suspensions (the season for Jones and 8 games for Henry). I also think they should be forced to return part of their signing bonus because they royally screwed their teams for this coming season. Its good to see that Roger Goodell has balls and will step up to a couple of clowns who run around starting trouble in almost every situation. Now dont misinterpret me because I'm no saint, but there is a difference between doing something stupid every now and then as compared to acting stupid on a consistent basis. Henry and Jones are this generations Lawrence Phillips, good players who will never reach their potential because of off-field issues.

As for the draft, I hope the Raiders are smart enough to draft Brady Quinn over Jamarcus Russell. Nothing against him personally, but being a SEC fan I've never been very impressed with Russell. He was shut down against the two toughest defenses he saw last season (Florida and Auburn) and really only stepped it up in the past couple games. Yes he is a physical freak of nature and potentially can be a great, but If I had the pick I would look towards someone who has already been playing in an NFL type system and has been under the spotlight for his entire collegiate career. Whichever stud prospect the Raiders go with will be a good decision, neither one is a Ryan Leaf.

By the way did you guys know that Ryan Leaf is now a quarterbacks coach as well as a golf coach at West Texas A&M? Could you really let yourself be coached by Ryan Leaf? That would be weird. Check out the picture, that is the classic look of washed up pro spending way too many lonely nights at the bar. Here's the link if you dont believe it http://gobuffsgo.cstv.com/sports/m-golf/spec-rel/121806aaa.html

That all I have for now but expect me to be back to the normal posting patterns and allow yourself to be entertained.

Weekend Recap

• Today is a rare day, so you better remember it well. Today I swallow my pride. The same Eagles who I just told you would win the division, are the laughing stock of the NFL. They overpaid Brian Westbrook by giving him a $3 million dollar roster bonus - twice. Now we could be taking a cap hit for it. Not that this will affect our forthcoming world championship season, but it could put us in somewhat of a bind when it comes time to sign draft picks.

• Kevin Durant became the first college player ever featured on a DIME cover.

• Another Sunday, another fucking awesome race. Not for my boy Clint though. The 07 car was just terrible today. They never could get it just right. He fell from 8th to 28th in a matter of less than 50 laps. They fixed it enough towards the end of the race to get him up to finish 16th though. His first win is coming soon, mark my words.
  

• What a race folks. It had everything you could want in a race. There were multiple lead changes, a couple of cautions that created some intense restarts, and even a crazy wreck on the very first lap:

• I really thought Jeff Gordon couldn't be beaten today, his car was fantastic - it was the only one that looked great the entire race. Junior finally took him for a substantial chunk of time on lap 102, and they traded again after that, but he couldn't hold on as he wrecked out for his third DNF out of seven races this year. Gordon finished fourth, for his fourth top five of the season. It again came down to a white flag battle, as Jeff Burton pulled off an inside pass on Matt Kenseth on Turn 2 of the final lap, to take his only lead of the race and become the first ever repeat winner at Texas Motor Speedway. He won the inaugural race there 10 years ago. So congrats to a Richard Childress Racing Chevrolet teammate. At least one of them had something to show for the day - Bowyer and Kevin Harvick finished 16th and 29th, respectively.

• The Mavs - Spurs game was fucking awesome as well. What a comeback by the Mavericks. I've read more than a few people's predictions this week that San Antonio would topple Dallas in the playoffs. I don't see it. The Spurs are getting older, and Dallas just seems too hungry this year. I can't see them letting anyone take them in a seven game series. They are executing too well, and are insanely motivated to erase the memory of last years Finals dud. Anyone picking against them is crazy.
  

"John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here."

• Deadspin literally just put this up a minute ago and it immediately made it to the next bullet of this post. It's a video of some guy pulling a Barry Badrinath and sinking some fucking sick beer pong shots. One of the coolest videos I've ever seen.

• Drew at KSK had a particularly hilarious Sex Cannon post on their Thursday bukkake.

• The Phillies got a win out of an insanely entertaining game yesterday. Hamels didn't pitch his best, but JRoll hit his NL leading sixth homer (he must be juicing), and our bullpen was shaky enough to scare us, but not enough to blow the game. I picked a good first game to see in person. (On a funnier note, Freddy Garcia's first Phillies start was delayed by rain - on Jackie Robinson day, when every Phillie was scheduled to wear 42. Oh well.)

• Speaking of Jackie Robinson, Jerry Stackhouse wanted to honor him today by replacing his own name with Robinson on the back of his jersey. (He wears 42 out of respect for Robinson). I would normally disagree with a sports league being so stuck up about something like this, but I'm glad David Stern nixed this one. He doesn't even play the same sport as Jackie did. It just seems stupid to me.

Alright everyone, theres no Family Guy or American Dad because the ridiculously stupid-looking Drive premieres on FOX tonight. Enjoy the Sopranos and Entourage. And make sure to record the new VH1 show Charm School at ten east, it features the most retarded of all the idiot girls on the Flavor of Love shows trying to learn how to be civilized. That could be a classic in the making.

Your Philadelphia Football Eagles: 2007 NFC East Champs

1. Green Bay - Unlike many of the ass lickers, I mean, columnists, at the WWL, I don't buy into this whole Brett Farve is a quality QB garbage. That whole team is shit, and anyone that picks them for the playoffs is on more drugs than the Pipemaker. Eagles 1 - 0
2. Redskins - Two words: Jason Campbell. Eagles 2 - 0
3. Lions - Two words: Jon Kitna. Although, Roy Williams is fucking sick; he deserves better than this. Eagles 3 - 0
4. Giants - Two words: Eli Manning. Oh, and 8 more words: Michael Strahan left his wife for a guy. Eagles 4 - 0
5. BYE
6. Jets - They should be good. If Chad Pennington can hold up, the running game should open up for Thomas Jones. That trade was a steal for NY by the way. Still, the Eagles offense and defense (TKO!) will be too much for Dennis' team. Eagles 5 - 0
7. Bears - Great defense obviously, but shitty offense. Our D will kill Grossman, and DMac will rip them a new asshole. Eagles 6 - 0
8. Vikings - They might not even have a win by this point. Eagles 7 - 0
9. Cowboys - I don't think anyone can question how gay and talentless that fake spic Tony Romo is. Eagles 8 - 0
10. Redskins - Wait, Adam Archuleta is the highest paid safety in the history of the NFL? Courtesy of Dan Snyder? But wait, he's playing for Chicago now? Oh that's right, the Redskins can't do a fucking thing right. Eagles 9 - 0
11. Dolphins - The Mc's girlfriend will hate this, but seriously, whose gonna throw the ball? Eagles 10 - 0
12. Patriots - After a tremendous almost two thirds of the season, the Eagles hit their first major obstacle in New England. Tom Brady, Donte Stallworth and the D are just too much, and they hand the last undefeated team in football their first L. Eagles 10 - 1
13. Seahawks - Coming off a long trip and taking their first loss, they lay down on a game they should win. Eagles 10 - 2
14. Giants - The Tiki-less Giants are worse than they were a year ago. Eagles 11 - 2
15. Cowboys - No commentary needed. Eagles 12 - 2
16. Saints - Watch out Reggie, Sheldon Brown is waiting for you. Although we'll have the top seed wrapped up at this point, and we'll be playing scrubs. Eagles 12 -3
    
17. Bills - We're going to see this game with Steveo because he's a Bills fan. He's gonna be really sad, even though we're playing scrubs. Eagles 13 -3
    

Ridin' the Deuce Three: The Sexy Post

• OK, now it's time for the sexy stories. The above banner was plastered all over our hotel; you couldn't turn your head without seeing it at least twice. They also had several 40+ ft screens around the hotel that featured a commercial about it on a loop. Now, if you couldn't figure it out by the picture alone, Fantasy was the revue that is performed at the Luxor. Well, by the end of the week, we were intrigued. And not intrigued like mildly interested, intrigued like we had the song memorized and if we didn't see the show, it would drive us crazy that we never saw it. So, we bought tickets and ended up in the sixth row - not too bad. We had the perfect view of titties. The show was terrible; there was some singer chick trying to make it big by covering crappy songs like "Black Velvet" and interacting with the crowd. And she would wear all the same outfits as the girls who got topless, but her top would never come off. Like she was too good or something. Bitch, you're still in a thong showing off your ass, make with the tits already! Also, there was this horrible black comedian that dressed up like Michael Jackson and Sammy Davis Jr. Unfortunately, his whole act revolved around saying "this guys gonna get fucking laid tonight, fuck yeah!" Lame. So, overall the show was mostly a bust, but those chicks were hot, and they had hot busts. That was cool at least.

• After the show, we went back to our room to chill out for awhile. Dennis and Steveo had gone to O'Shea's and gotten drunk. I ended up passing out for two hours, and waking up to an empty room. So I went downstairs and drank and gambled. Therefore, this story does not come from a first hand account. But I've heard enough of it from enough people to know that I've got it pretty straight. Everyone ended up at O'Shea's, doing tequila shots and drinking dollar drafts. Dennis met some creepy guy who offered to shuttle them off to Treasure's (a tit club) and give them free admission and drinks. So, despite the creepiness, everyone decides to go. The place ends up being pretty empty, so they have a lot of whores paying attention to them. Dennis tells a few of them that he is a backup QB for Florida State. (Further proof that all cunts are brain dead - there's no way in hell Dennis could be a back up kicker, let alone a quarterback.) One girl took a liking to him and sat on his lap for at least an hour, until Shawn accidentally dropped his real name, angering the stripper, who then proceeded to storm off. Did she think he was gonna be the foster dad to her kids or something? She's a fucking stripper, what does she care if some guy doesn't give her a real name? It's not like her name is really Chastity. Anyway, the real story revolves around Steveo. The guy is really attached to his girlfriend. She's calling us at 7 am Vegas time, texting back and forth all day, he won't get a mohawk or tattoo because she'd be mad, DEFINITELY won't go see tits because she'd be mad. (To drive this point home, I told him when we got back to the airport that he should get a hold of his girl and take control of his relationship. She simply laughed and told me she thought it was "cute and funny when he tries to put his foot down." Ouch.) Well, apparently they got into a fight and Steve got plastered at O'Sheas. So they go to the strip club... and my boy Steveo falls IN LOVE. One of those nuddie girls just caught his eye and he got that tunnel vision. The other tits might as well have not even been there. This bitch took him upstairs and going by what he told us, she was noodling with his peter, he got to feel her up and suck some nip, and she pretty much dryhumped him to what I'm sure was a premature finish. Needless to say, we were all sworn to secrecy for fear that big bad Mrs. Steveo would find out. Luckily, no one reads this blog.

• This is gonna be the last story I write out for you guys. Alot of other shit happened, but I don't think too much more of it is interesting enough to post about. And to be honest, this is easily my favorite story of the whole trip. The scene: it's the last day before our flight home (at 6am), and we're all back at O'Shea's drinking. We got there about noon, and around 4 we walk back to MGM to watch some sports that Steveo and the Mc bet on. After an hour or two, me and Dennis decide to go back to O'Shea's because we have no action on the day and we wanted more tequila shots. (I fucking love that they salt the rim and drop a lime wedge in. Call me a fag, I don't care.) So we're drinking, taking shots and I'm kicking his ass in pool until around 9 or 10. At that point, we (apparently) stumble back to the hotel and I (apparently) wander around our floor in my underwear for a while. When my conscience comes back around midnight, I'm ready to drink. I don't wanna waste our last night there being a pussy. So I go downstairs, grab a brew and a shot, and head out on the Strip looking for something going on. Just my luck, I run into a couple of drunk broads wandering too. After talking to them for a minute, they invite me to some club they were going to. I have no idea where we went - we could have been in NY, NY at the Coyote Ugly or in the Grand at Studio 54, I don't have a fucking clue. We're dancing, drinking, flirting, fucking having a good time. Around 2:30, the bitch finally tells me she lives in Vegas and has an apartment right around the corner. My natural reaction is to say, "This place is getting kind of lame. Why don't we go to your place for a drink?" She agrees, and the three (or four?) of us grab a cab and head over. We have a couple beers, and she says she's starting to get tired. Her friends have all kind of wandered off to do their own thing, so I pounce like one of those lions after a rope of meat. After some tongue action and a ton of heavy petting, I've got the skirt at her ankles and the thong pushed to the side. I'm coming in from behind, she's bent over top her bed. Then we move to my all time favorite posish - she's sitting on the counter in her bathroom, back against the mirror, and I'm standing in front of her going at it fucking hard. It was glorious. We end up back on the bed (normal missionary, with my arms around her knees, her ankles at her ears), and after awhile I'm about to shoot off, so I take off the rubber and tug it out onto her tits. We say our goodbyes, I grab a road beer, light up a smoke, and after a quick cabride back it's about 4. That means 15 minutes of sleep before my alarm goes off. What fun. But hey, I'm no prick. I'm not about to complain about getting some tight Vegas vag. Anyway, that about wraps up the fun. Hope you enjoyed reading all about our fun in the brightest city in the world. Now start planning your own trip!
  

Ridin' the Deuce Part Duex

• Saw the Bellagio fountains and the Mirage volcano. The volcano was awesome, an orgasm of flying fire and brimstone. They even set the water and the rocks on fire. Sweet. The fountains were also pretty cool, but I don't think they lived up to their potential because the song we saw them playing was that Celine Dion song from the Titanic. So it was kinda hard to get into, but the potential was definitely there. They shoot the water up and light it all to the tune of different songs every time, so we just came at a shitty time, because who wants to hear that bullshit? They really could have done something awesome with it, like "Bulls on Parade," but what can you say? It's a cool idea anyway. We tried to see the naked pirate show at TI twice, but it was canceled due to high winds. What kind of pirates are afraid of a little breeze? Pussies. (ED Note: Officially, it is known as 'Sirens at the TI,' not the naked pirate show. Although that is a good description.)
  

• They put these double decker buses on the Strip that run you up and down all day for five bucks. Sweet deal, cause that Strip is long as fuck. And those damn Mexicans get annoying after awhile. And of course, they name these things the Deuce (what with being double decker and all). Which led to countless pathetic, immature jokes about riding a packed Deuce, or taking a long Deuce up to the Wynn, or a less crowded 'loose Deuce'. Sure, we're completely immature and think like children, but hey, everyone around was laughing with us too. So go fuck yourself.

• We spent a lot of time in the MGM Grand's sportsbook because it was close and a hell of a lot cooler than the Luxor's. At the Luxor, they have one of those giant projection screens that granted, is pretty big, but they don't broadcast in HD and the overall picture is very washed out and dark looking. So we went to MGM where we could get cheap beer from next door in less than two minutes, and they had dozens and dozens of HD flat screens. The best part about that place was watching the lions eat. They kept lions in a glass cage, and you could walk underneath the enclosure and look up at them eating. But they didn't eat some pussy dry formula or anything like that. They fed those bitches fucking ropes of meat. They got raw ass meat, and strung it together into a rope. And you got to watch the lions just tear that shit apart. Not as cool as if they fed them something living, but it was cool as shit watching them rip apart raw meat. (I took a picture of it, but it's grainy and not all that clear, so we're running a stock photo.)

• The second night we were there, we went to this bar called the rumjungle. Which of course, led to cumjungle jokes. But they had the most smoking hot bartender I have ever seen. Now, in Vegas, you can't throw a quarter without hitting one of the hottest girls you've ever seen. This bartender put them all to shame though. Brown hair, about 5'8", tight leather string up vest, maybe 100 lbs, skintight black pants. She kept her lighter and her bottle opener in her pants, so every time she reached for one of them, she pulled her pants down to show her red whale tail. It kept us from leaving the bar at all the entire night. That's not what this story is about though. This is about how Shawn Mc, after two Sailor Jerry and Cokes, decided he wanted to tackle the most alcoholic drink they had - the volcano. Five different rums mixed with some fruity ass juice. Well, the volcano is the strongest drink they have - unless you've been flirting with the smoking hot bartender all night and she throws a shot of Stroh 160 proof rum on top of all that. Needless to say, the Mc couldn't even sign his own tab, I had to forge his name. So while me and Steveo are trying to guide him to our room, he hops on some old guys rascal who's sitting at a craps table. Luckily, we pulled him off before security came and beat his ass, but not without a fight. He was all boozed-up and retard strong, determined to get away with this guys electric scooter. After that near-catastrophe, we carried him by his shoulders and feet to the elevator. Up on the floor, he kept leaning a bit too far over the railing on the way to our tenth floor room of the Luxor; Steveo, in perfect shithead, i'mgonnabeadrunkenhero fashion, took trying to save him from a fall a bit too far. As I told him to go grab Shawn, he takes off down the hallway, lowers his shoulder, and delivers a picture perfect spear that would put Goldberg to shame. The Mc was down and out for a minute - I guess he just got the wind out of him, but at the time I was convinced he was either unconscious or had a broken spine. We finally get Shawn into the room, and our boy Dennis is passed out in bed, drunk and upset from losing several hundred dollars on the night. Armed with this information, Shawn decides it would be great idea to start elbow dropping Dennis. Except that every time he dives onto the bed, Dennis kicks him as hard as he can off the bed, slamming his body into the wall. I swear I thought he would at the least crack a rib he was hitting the wall so hard, especially on top of being drilled in his ribs five minutes before and getting driven to the ground. After being slammed into the wall and falling to the floor about five or six times, he finally couldn't get up anymore, and simply passed out in the one foot space between the wall and Dennis' bed. That leaves me and Steveo downstairs drinking Corona's and Jack & waters, playing blackjack until 5:30. We then moved to the bar, got a few more drinks and won enough at video poker to cover our tab. At that point, it was close to6:30 or 7, and we were getting hungry. This could have been the best part of our hotel - we had a 24 hour McDonalds, with the dollar menu! Finally after eating some burgers, we head up to crash for the night. At this point, Shawn has crawled into the other bed and is out. Before I head to my cot, however, Dennis wakes up and warns us that Shawn got up and pissed all over the floor between the two beds. This leads to the three of us yelling MC Pee Pants and screaming the "I Want Candy" song for at least the next 20 minutes. Finally, we went to crash but Steveo refused to sleep in his bed (which Shawn was in) because he didn't want to get pissed on, and he wouldn't sleep in Dennis' bed because Shawn woke up the night before with Dennis spooning him. So he took two couch cushions and a blanket and slept in the corner of the room all week. No way he that was comfortable. The next morning Shawn woke up with a huge cut/scrape/welt/sore on his elbow... shit was seriously at least halfway up his arm and deep, ugly purple. Not sure if it was from the spear, or getting kicked into the wall repeatedly, or both, but I do know he could barely move his arm that day, and he was pretty hurt all week. And of course he stopped being Shawn Mc and became MC Pee Pants for the rest of the week. All in all, a good night.