Ridin' the Deuce Part Duex

• Saw the Bellagio fountains and the Mirage volcano. The volcano was awesome, an orgasm of flying fire and brimstone. They even set the water and the rocks on fire. Sweet. The fountains were also pretty cool, but I don't think they lived up to their potential because the song we saw them playing was that Celine Dion song from the Titanic. So it was kinda hard to get into, but the potential was definitely there. They shoot the water up and light it all to the tune of different songs every time, so we just came at a shitty time, because who wants to hear that bullshit? They really could have done something awesome with it, like "Bulls on Parade," but what can you say? It's a cool idea anyway. We tried to see the naked pirate show at TI twice, but it was canceled due to high winds. What kind of pirates are afraid of a little breeze? Pussies. (ED Note: Officially, it is known as 'Sirens at the TI,' not the naked pirate show. Although that is a good description.)
  

• They put these double decker buses on the Strip that run you up and down all day for five bucks. Sweet deal, cause that Strip is long as fuck. And those damn Mexicans get annoying after awhile. And of course, they name these things the Deuce (what with being double decker and all). Which led to countless pathetic, immature jokes about riding a packed Deuce, or taking a long Deuce up to the Wynn, or a less crowded 'loose Deuce'. Sure, we're completely immature and think like children, but hey, everyone around was laughing with us too. So go fuck yourself.

• We spent a lot of time in the MGM Grand's sportsbook because it was close and a hell of a lot cooler than the Luxor's. At the Luxor, they have one of those giant projection screens that granted, is pretty big, but they don't broadcast in HD and the overall picture is very washed out and dark looking. So we went to MGM where we could get cheap beer from next door in less than two minutes, and they had dozens and dozens of HD flat screens. The best part about that place was watching the lions eat. They kept lions in a glass cage, and you could walk underneath the enclosure and look up at them eating. But they didn't eat some pussy dry formula or anything like that. They fed those bitches fucking ropes of meat. They got raw ass meat, and strung it together into a rope. And you got to watch the lions just tear that shit apart. Not as cool as if they fed them something living, but it was cool as shit watching them rip apart raw meat. (I took a picture of it, but it's grainy and not all that clear, so we're running a stock photo.)

• The second night we were there, we went to this bar called the rumjungle. Which of course, led to cumjungle jokes. But they had the most smoking hot bartender I have ever seen. Now, in Vegas, you can't throw a quarter without hitting one of the hottest girls you've ever seen. This bartender put them all to shame though. Brown hair, about 5'8", tight leather string up vest, maybe 100 lbs, skintight black pants. She kept her lighter and her bottle opener in her pants, so every time she reached for one of them, she pulled her pants down to show her red whale tail. It kept us from leaving the bar at all the entire night. That's not what this story is about though. This is about how Shawn Mc, after two Sailor Jerry and Cokes, decided he wanted to tackle the most alcoholic drink they had - the volcano. Five different rums mixed with some fruity ass juice. Well, the volcano is the strongest drink they have - unless you've been flirting with the smoking hot bartender all night and she throws a shot of Stroh 160 proof rum on top of all that. Needless to say, the Mc couldn't even sign his own tab, I had to forge his name. So while me and Steveo are trying to guide him to our room, he hops on some old guys rascal who's sitting at a craps table. Luckily, we pulled him off before security came and beat his ass, but not without a fight. He was all boozed-up and retard strong, determined to get away with this guys electric scooter. After that near-catastrophe, we carried him by his shoulders and feet to the elevator. Up on the floor, he kept leaning a bit too far over the railing on the way to our tenth floor room of the Luxor; Steveo, in perfect shithead, i'mgonnabeadrunkenhero fashion, took trying to save him from a fall a bit too far. As I told him to go grab Shawn, he takes off down the hallway, lowers his shoulder, and delivers a picture perfect spear that would put Goldberg to shame. The Mc was down and out for a minute - I guess he just got the wind out of him, but at the time I was convinced he was either unconscious or had a broken spine. We finally get Shawn into the room, and our boy Dennis is passed out in bed, drunk and upset from losing several hundred dollars on the night. Armed with this information, Shawn decides it would be great idea to start elbow dropping Dennis. Except that every time he dives onto the bed, Dennis kicks him as hard as he can off the bed, slamming his body into the wall. I swear I thought he would at the least crack a rib he was hitting the wall so hard, especially on top of being drilled in his ribs five minutes before and getting driven to the ground. After being slammed into the wall and falling to the floor about five or six times, he finally couldn't get up anymore, and simply passed out in the one foot space between the wall and Dennis' bed. That leaves me and Steveo downstairs drinking Corona's and Jack & waters, playing blackjack until 5:30. We then moved to the bar, got a few more drinks and won enough at video poker to cover our tab. At that point, it was close to6:30 or 7, and we were getting hungry. This could have been the best part of our hotel - we had a 24 hour McDonalds, with the dollar menu! Finally after eating some burgers, we head up to crash for the night. At this point, Shawn has crawled into the other bed and is out. Before I head to my cot, however, Dennis wakes up and warns us that Shawn got up and pissed all over the floor between the two beds. This leads to the three of us yelling MC Pee Pants and screaming the "I Want Candy" song for at least the next 20 minutes. Finally, we went to crash but Steveo refused to sleep in his bed (which Shawn was in) because he didn't want to get pissed on, and he wouldn't sleep in Dennis' bed because Shawn woke up the night before with Dennis spooning him. So he took two couch cushions and a blanket and slept in the corner of the room all week. No way he that was comfortable. The next morning Shawn woke up with a huge cut/scrape/welt/sore on his elbow... shit was seriously at least halfway up his arm and deep, ugly purple. Not sure if it was from the spear, or getting kicked into the wall repeatedly, or both, but I do know he could barely move his arm that day, and he was pretty hurt all week. And of course he stopped being Shawn Mc and became MC Pee Pants for the rest of the week. All in all, a good night.