Video Bonanza

Not enough time for a traditional post, so here's my Top 5 YouTube videos of the day:

Tony Romo's defining play as a Cowboy:

The Sparkling Wiggles:

A leprechaun is on the loose in Mobile:

Sweet Chin Music to the jaw:

I like how stoner vision sounds like the Bowser laugh


And in memoriam of the most entertaining man in sports today:

Swimming is a Crock of Shit

OK I can't sit here and take this any longer. Jesus just wrote an entire full length post about fucking swimming. No way in hell could I let that shit go down. Nobody gives a fuck that some drunk driving asshole won a couple races in some event that isn't even the Olympics. No one even cares when it IS the Olympics, check the Nielsen's. So what if this douchebag maybe jumped early, but maybe he didn't, and some other buttplug didn't win because of it and all this nonsense stopped him from dominating a sport that no one cares about? Look at Roger Federer - just as dominant, but he plays tennis so no one cares. Even Tiger Woods gets hardly any face time when he wins five or six tournaments in a row - NO ONE CARES ABOUT THESE FAKE ASS SPORTS. Time to bring back the entertainment.

Today is a really solid day of sports. The Pheonix - Dallas games carry alot of stories and subplots, even if this one was somewhat less dramatic. And while I could care less about watching the Cardinals or the Mets, it does signal the start of baseball again which is fucking great. Plus Wrestlemania is tonight... I'll be downloading that one tomorrow.


The best sports event today, however was hands down the Goody's Cool Orange 500 in Martinsville, Virginia. In a race full of cautions (13 in all) and even a red flag rain delay, you still couldn't have asked for more excitement. Cars were loose all day as everyone is adjusting to the Car of Tomorrow. The fastest car on the track could come into pit road and lose all of it's advantage. Even when Jimmie Johnson took off for the last 100+ laps, it was still anyone's race. The whole thing was an edge of your seat affair, especially after the red flag when the track was slick and the rubber wasn't gripping as well. Every turn was a spin out waiting to happen. And in the end, it came down to teammates Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon running 1 - 2.

After the restart, it was clear that neither of them would be challenged by the rest of the pack. With 18 laps left, they were going green again and Gordon was clearly looking to take the inside. He tried through every turn to get the inside, but Jimmie fought him off every time. It was obvious he was going to have to take Jimmie out of the way. But he wouldn't do it. He was clearly bumping him on every turn, but he never really got into Jimmie's side. He was driving clean and respectable against not just a teammate, but a prodigy he mentored himself. Had Gordon not brought Jimmie up through the Hendricks Racing ranks, he might not have made it to the big time. With every passing turn and every lap ticking closer to the checkered flag, Jeff was clearly tempted. He could have easily spun Jimmie and the race would have been his. Finally on the last turn of the dance he had to do something - and he did. He did the only thing he could have done - he got under Jimmie and bumped him twice. He tried to move him out of the way, but when it didn't work, he backed off before he took either of them out of it. He let his teammate take the flag and in the process showed the sportsmanship and wisdom too often missing from sports. He had respect for the man ahead of him, and he knew bickering within the same ownership would only cause trouble for both of them for the rest of the season. In the end, he chose the smart route, taking the second most points out of Virginia. And even though you could see the frustration on his face as Jimmie was given the Ridgeway clock - you can see he was able to justify this near photo finish.


I'm sure that plenty of people just like me were psyched up for the Final Four yesterday - and then were fucking embarrassed by the level of play and the way both games unfolded. GT and OSU was completely underwhelming as Oden got in foul trouble early, and he and Hibbert barely played directly against each other. And Florida sleepwalked through a game that UCLA just plain slept through. The Gators looked like they could care less, and if they play like that tomorrow, they won't repeat. And if that happens, I'll be incredibly happy because the Black Jesus is an avid and completely obnoxious Gator fan. If they win tomorrow, I may just have to kill him, leaving this blog with only one actual contributor. Although that might be good for the readers - especially the ones who appreciate good grammar and intellectually structured sentences.

I didn't watch any of the baseball game, but it looks like the Mets have it all wrapped up in the 9th. Fuck. Oh well. They still have no chance - it's the Phillies year. When their pitching falls apart in two months, they'll have zero fucking chance.

I should be back mid-day tomorrow with a Vegas post but as always I don't promise anything. I may even try a running diary for the game, with of course a break for 24, but don't get your panties in a bunch. I might not be that motivated yet.

Florida, Gilbert, Kobe and More

Okay so I realize that I am officially a giant vagina for not going out to Vegas this weekend with the Occasional Joo and Shawn Mc, but if I left then no one would be here to rant. Therefore I gave up a week of Vegas for you, I gave up a week of Gambling and Prostitutes for you, be grateful you little pricks. By the way I also gave up Vegas because I'm poor. By the way I'm tired of typing Occasional Joo, I'm just going to call him OJ because they both probably have aids and are killers. Anyways this was a pretty cool weekend of hoops, between Kobe and the Tourney I cant be disappointed. So on with the Post!

First off let me say that I actually didn't eat complete shit with my bracket, I picked 3 of the 4 final four teams only missing out on those John Amaechi loving homos from Texas A&M. Seriously the only reason you went to A&M is because UT didn't recruit you (For the record, apparently this sight has a horrible man-crush on A&M considering that all of us had them in the Final Four and OJ was dumb enough to pick them to win it all). This past weekend proved that Florida is easily the best team in college hoops. Oregon was double and triple teaming Noah and Horford all day and all they did was dish it out to Taurean Green and Lee Humphreys to drain it from the outside or give it up to Corey Brewer so he could dunk over a midget. If you play man on them then they will penetrate all day and dominate you, if you play zone then they will hit it from outside all day, there is no beating them. Ohio State looks good but I think they will have trouble against teams that have the size to match up with them, Georgetown and Florida come to mind. UCLA is easily the blacksheep of the group and although I like them I dont think they're going to make it past Florida.

The UNC-Georgetown game proved my drunk rant to be correct. Do not bet on teams that rely heavily on their white players. Tyler Hansbrough was good in the beginning scoring ten points in the first 5 minutes, but he dissapeared when it mattered scoring only two points in the final ten minutes. No I dont blame him, I blame Roy Williams. When your up by ten with 8 minutes to go a good idea would be to work the clock, pound it inside and let your big man do the work. Especially since your best player Hansbrough is a 76% foul shooter, which is not too shabby. You know what, maybe Williams pulled the Rick Barnes approach and made sure they didn't win in order to try to convince his studs to stick around until they win a National Championship.

Skipping forward to the NBA, Kobe Bryant has officially proved that he is by far the best player in the league. Four straight games of 50 points or more and the best part about it is it was for the good of the team. The Lakers went 4-0 over that stretch so for those of you thinking ball-hog or team killer, go to hell because you do not know anything about hoops. Now I can understand people not liking the guy, but you can't say that anyone is a better player than this guy. Now if Kobe had the crazy personality of Gilbert Arenas we would have the most entertaining player in the league.

On to Agent Zero, Gilbert Arenas is the best thing that has happened to the NBA in a long time. I think that its ridiculous that he was reprimanded by the league for making stupid little bets with fans about hitting a game-winning shot. Whats wrong with making a stupid $10 dollar bet with a fan who may have otherwise lost interest in the game or left early, both of which have become trends at sporting events lately. On top of that, what if it was a casual fan who attends one or two games a season? You seriously dont think that this fan will start going to almost every game he possibly can if he knows that Gilbert is playing.

Also, Screw the Commisioner. David Stern is KILLING basketball. The NBA is missing the fun factor that made all of us fans to begin with. Players now get a technical for showing any emotion on the court, you can't celebrate a dunk or complain about a bad call without your team giving up possession and a foul shot. This would be the equivalent of giving a penalty to a football player for excessive celebration when he flips into the endzone, oh wait they do that now. Damn. I propose giving technical fouls only when celebration is clearly ill-advised, such as a huge dunk when your down by 30 or when the other team starts getting into a fight with your home fans. Otherwise, let the taunting begin.

When I play a game of basketball or even beer pong with my friends I talk so much shit when I'm winning. Hell I talk shit when I'm losing, I never stop talking shit. If I were in the NBA I would get fined 3 or 4 times a week. The shit-talking goes both ways too, kind of like OJ's Mom, if my athletically challenged friends somehow beat me in anything that involves competition then I expect them to talk as much shit to me as possible. During this time, I will defiantly stand by the fact that they cheated in some fashion. In short, hopefully Gilbert will be the guy who brings emotion back into the game and makes it entertaining again, not just for the players but for the fans.

I am so money baby. In 12 hours, I'll be on a plane to Vegas. For a week. With Shawn Mc and two of our friends. Who are both insane and will probably get us all killed. Hopefully I'll run into Joey Porter playing blackjack and take his 10 card - I could use a piece of that $20 mil guaranteed after he powerbombs me through the table. So neither of us will be posting until next weekend (and yeah I know that Shawn Mc hasn't posted yet - we're gonna put him in a sharpshooter if he doesn't soon). We'll have a huge recap of everything that happened. Until then, my colleague Black Jesus has some big things planned as he runs this place by himself for a week (God help us all), so check back for more of his socially-conscious, introspective, and thought-provoking pieces until we get back.

As a quick aside, I love the new firefox. Halfway through writing this, my power went out and I cursed up a storm thinking I lost all of it. Well when I restarted and opened firefox to start over, it told me that it would recover my last session, and there I was staring at everything I had just typed, as well as the four or five other tabs I had open. That's fucking incredible and it might have saved an innocent man's life.

OK, back to the real point of the post. I clearly don't know anything as A & M lost to Memphis last night. Fucking MEMPHIS?!?! Someone tell me who the fuck Memphis is. Unfortunately, I think Florida is gonna roll tonight and Vandy might play G'Town close, but lose in the end. Of course that probably means Florida will get blown out, and Vandy won't even show up, but whatever. You're not better than me. I've heard a lot of USC upset talk, but I don't buy it. Hansbrough and Wright are just too much inside, even with Reyshawn Terry's strep throat. And really, what the fuck is up with that name? Could his parents not decide between Ray and Shawn and just decide to combine them? Seriously, I know people's names are getting more and more retarded all the time, but it's getting old. Give your kid a real name - shoving two different names together is not fucking creative.

I wanted to say more, but I can't even think straight knowing that I'll be in Vegas in less than a day. The debauchery is already clouding my brain. The little bunnies are just sitting there waiting, afraid, timid. And I'm a big fucking bear with big fucking claws and teeth. Its gonna be a loooong week.

Weekend Recap

Ok, so Texas lost to USC. Hardly consolation for last year's Rose Bowl, so you Trojan fans can still sit and spin. Kevin Durant was still incredible (30 of UT's 68 points, plus 9 boards) and AJ Abrams had 20. DJ Augustin only had 6, and unfortunately he never horribly mutilated a knee on one of his bullshit out of control drives to the hoop that end with him getting blocked to the court. Asshole.

Anyway, Jimmie Johnson won again too. What a horrible day. He forced Tony Stewart into the wall with about 3 laps to go, ensuring a win. No way was Tony catching back up after bouncing his front fender off that concrete. Now I'm no Smoke apologist - a well aimed cruise missile at the front of that pack would have made me much happier than either of those two arrogant fucks winning, but oh well. And by the way, what's up with no one having any love for the man in the Jack car, #07 Clint Bowyer? He's had two 6 places, and would be much higher than 9th in the points if he didn't crash out of his top 10 place in Vegas a few weeks ago with less than 30 laps to go. He's looking like a dark horse not to just make the Chase, but contend for a top spot. Someone needs to give this guy a little love.

Let me get back to the tournament for a second. No team looks safe. I know everyone is sucking Kansas' collective dick, but they played Kentucky, easily the worst team any of the 1 seeds played in the second round. And they're in a region where all top 4 seeds have advanced. So if they beat the Saluki's, which is by far no lock, they get either Pitt or UCLA. I have UCLA over Va-Tech personally, so clearly I'm a jackass, but still - I stand by the Bruins.



Florida never seemed to really get it together against Butler. Sure they pulled out the win, but they all look like they are looking forward to taking a break, putting on their dresses (Joakhim Noah) and sitting back fucking sorority girls until draft time. Oregon takes them out.

UNC has never really looked like a 1 seed to me. But, I had them taking out GT so I'm sticking with it. They don't have a chance of winning it all though, no matter who else they play.

Ohio State should get by Tennessee with minimal trouble, but then lose to eventually tourney champ A&M. And it kills me to say that. I HATE A&M. I do. And I hope Acie Law IV tears every ligament in both knees after falling off the ladder while trying to cut down the net during 'One Shining Moment.' Only a prick would spell his name Acie, and only a prick would put Law IV on his jersey. Fuck you, theres no other Law on your team, drop the pretentious number.

So other then the Celtics getting fined and Kobe dropping 115 in two games, nothing much seemed to happen in the NBA this weekend. That leaves the clear highlight of this weekend the 18 hour debauchery that was Saturday. The tournament breaks until Thursday, but we'll be back before that to share our insight and knowledge with you lucky readers. After all, the words on this page are scripture. Except for any negative comments, those are blaspemy.

Intro to THHY

I'm drunk. I thought that would be a good way to kick off our blog, because most of our posts will be made under less than ideal conditions. We're gonna talk about sports mostly, and anything else we feel like ranting about like Bill Simmon's wife does. Anyway, it's gonna be me, Black Jesus and Shawn Mc on here for now. We might add some authors, we might not. Who the fuck knows? We wanted to get set up before the tournament but we got too drunk this last week. We'll be back tomorrow with our analysis.