Awakened by Atlantic City

Unfortunately for myself I have finally awoken from my giant sex-coma, it was quite glorious. However, since I am alive again, I figured I might go ahead and give you guys some intelligent sports insight unlike the Joo's Penthouse Forums that have gone up lately. Personally I dont care who the hell he bangs or how he does it, unless she's fat cause then he's gonna catch some shit. But at least it was better than NASCAR.

Here's a quick fill-in of what happened with me during my absence- Florida, Coaching, Swim Meet, Family, Easter, Home, Atlantic City, Gambling, Third Eye Blind, Gays.

The first six aren't really worth mentioning but I had a fucking great time in Atlantic City. I saw the Third Eye Blind concert at the House of Blues which is in the Showboat Casino below.

Now I realize that Third Eye Blind is kind of a girly band but I know that you have memorized the words to Jumper or Semi-Charmed Life so you are just as gay as I am. I was a little nervous about them putting on a shitty show because I heard they sucked live but the concert was actually pretty good. The most surprising thing was actually the large gay crowd that was in attendance. Dont get me wrong if you like it in the butt I'm not knocking you, but I found it a little disturbing when I saw two guys holding hands and getting close to each other during a song called Deep Inside of You. Let's just say that was a little awkward. The only other disappointment was being right in behind two dumbass girls who were trying to mosh to Third Eye Blind. I was about to take my $12 Red Bull and Vodka and slam it straight in their face but then I realized that I paid $12 for a Red Bull and Vodka and I would rather drink it. Damn they were annoying, I would feel bad for their parents but they're probably fucked up individuals as well.

After that I realized that I spent like $50 on drinks during the concert and I only had like $30 left so I made a bee-line to the penny slots with the old people. I still made a little bit of money on those and attempted to graduate to the Quarter Slots, lets just say I was broke pretty quickly. After that I swung by the Hard Rock to get some of those kick-ass Nachos and then drove all the way back home. Good time though.

Jumping over to sports now, Happy J-Rob day to you. I think its a good idea and definitly a classy move that teams like the Dodgers and Phillies decided to wear the number 42 in his honor today. However I also think that it was a horrible move for other teams such as the Padres who chose not to honor him and did not wear his number. This should have been a great day for baseball but unfortunately a lot of games were rained out today, but at least the Dodgers played. Speaking of the Dodgers and Padres, during the 4th inning ESPN had Hank Aaron visit in the booth and talk baseball with Joe Morgan and Jon Miller for a little while. I was surprised that nobody even adressed the Barry Bonds issue to see how he feels or at least would react, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were not allowed to ask him about that. This made me think about how he would feel about Bonds breaking the record. I know that he had a quote a few years ago that went along the lines of saying "No one has ever proved that steroids make it easier to hit a baseball", but he has to realize that it helps to hit the ball farther.

Personally I kind of hope that Bonds breaks the record and I don't think there should be an asterisk or anything else put next to his numbers. The fact is that steroids were not illegal to the game of baseball when Bonds has been known to take them and since they were made illegal he hasn't failed a drug test. SO WHAT HAS HE DONE WRONG. Everyone is going to say that it was a question about ethics, but no the fuck it's not. He didn't do anything illegal, unethical or different than a large number of other players in the league. Everyone is just being ridiculous and does not want to see an unfriendly asshole take the record away from the classiest guy to play in the league. I like Hank Aaron the athlete and the person a million times better than I like Barry Bonds, but you can't deny him the record because he isn't a nice guy.

One more thing about steroids, for all you people who think that Bonds taking steroids has made it easier to break the record, realize that pitchers take steroids too. You don't face pitchers throwing fast-balls in the low 90's, just about every pitcher comes into the league throwing 95 miles an hour and most end up pitching only about 1 inning a game. Bonds faces teams that feature specialized bullpens, harder-throwing pitchers, teams that pitch around him every chance they get. It really takes away from not only Bonds, but all of today's players when you say that the game is easier now than it was in the past. If we keep this up then we will not see another great player, because everyones greatness is going to be questioned. Maybe we just need time to pass for us to realize how great an achievement this is, steroids or not.

On to some football, I can not describe how happy I am that Pac-Man Jones and Chris Henry got their ass-kicked on their suspensions (the season for Jones and 8 games for Henry). I also think they should be forced to return part of their signing bonus because they royally screwed their teams for this coming season. Its good to see that Roger Goodell has balls and will step up to a couple of clowns who run around starting trouble in almost every situation. Now dont misinterpret me because I'm no saint, but there is a difference between doing something stupid every now and then as compared to acting stupid on a consistent basis. Henry and Jones are this generations Lawrence Phillips, good players who will never reach their potential because of off-field issues.

As for the draft, I hope the Raiders are smart enough to draft Brady Quinn over Jamarcus Russell. Nothing against him personally, but being a SEC fan I've never been very impressed with Russell. He was shut down against the two toughest defenses he saw last season (Florida and Auburn) and really only stepped it up in the past couple games. Yes he is a physical freak of nature and potentially can be a great, but If I had the pick I would look towards someone who has already been playing in an NFL type system and has been under the spotlight for his entire collegiate career. Whichever stud prospect the Raiders go with will be a good decision, neither one is a Ryan Leaf.

By the way did you guys know that Ryan Leaf is now a quarterbacks coach as well as a golf coach at West Texas A&M? Could you really let yourself be coached by Ryan Leaf? That would be weird. Check out the picture, that is the classic look of washed up pro spending way too many lonely nights at the bar. Here's the link if you dont believe it http://gobuffsgo.cstv.com/sports/m-golf/spec-rel/121806aaa.html

That all I have for now but expect me to be back to the normal posting patterns and allow yourself to be entertained.

Ridin' the Deuce

Time for the long awaited, hotly anticipated Vegas post. But before we get to that, some paparazzi friends of mine in Florida happened to run into Black Jesus down there and sent me a picture, so I figured I'd pass it along to you guys. Enjoy!

• Like I said before, the best part of Vegas is the open container law. There is nothing better than walking down the street and having a beer. Or a Jack and water. Or a yard of margarita from La Salsa (translation The Salsa). It is such an inconvenience to have to chug your drink and then be empty for the walk. How refreshing! And the craziest part was that there was never any problems. Everyone was in control, there was no disturbing the peace - the biggest nuisance about all of it was the illegal Mexicans that stood on the corner trying to flap baseball cards with hookers on them at you.

• We had a room at the Luxor - the black pyramid that with the light shooting out the top. It was four of us in the room; Dennis, Shawn Mc, Steveo and myself. I took a cot, Dennis and Shawn shared a bed one night, then each got their own, and Steve eventually wound up on the floor. But I'll get to that story later.
  

• There's nothing better than a $5 blackjack table; unless you sit down and get shelled by some Armenian dealer, who just sits there with this shit eating grin, and doesn't even apologize when he flips a face from under his nine to beat your fucking 18 for the fucking third time in a fucking row. FUCK! At least the free Jack's help.

• As much as you think anything goes in Vegas - and for the record, I didn't see one official cop the whole week - if you go anywhere near a casino, you'll get carded three times before you get within thirty feet of a table. What a pain in the ass. And speaking of age, I couldn't believe the number of kids there. So many parents brought little ass kids to the Strip. How dumb is that? There's nothing for them to do there, and a lot of casinos even have certain restrictions regarding kids. That leaves them with little options to do other than the pool all day. And that week was not exactly poolside weather. The parents, because you can't take your little kids anywhere, have nothing to do either. You can't gamble, you can't drink, you can't even visit the casinos to check them out. Your stuck at the pool. You're in the middle of a desert, and it certainly isn't pool weather in March. Go to fucking Disneyworld you dumb pricks.

• Man, I just got really stoned during Entourage. Part Two tomorrow....
  

GO GATORS!

Well let's start by informing everyone that I'm going to be in Florida for the next week, sunshine baby sunshine, and while I'm gone its going to be up to JooFace and Shawn Mc, or more likely just JooFace, to hold down the blog. That being said, I'm sure you are in for an, um how do you say it, "interesting" week of NASCAR. By the way, calling out Golf or Tennis or especially Swimming as a fake sport is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, there is no athletic ability necessary and the sport was born in the deep south so its not like it has the qualifications of being a skill sport either. The only thing that is entertaining is the crashes but I could just Youtube those the next day. Enjoy watching cars drive in circles!

Is there anything better than being right? I love the fact that my favorite team, Gators BABY, just won back-to-back National Championships and went ahead and threw a Football Championship in there as well. Corey Brewer, Al Horford and Lee "GOD" Humphries hit every big shot to completely demoralize Ohio State the entire game. Although Oden nearly caused the entire Florida frontcourt to foul out, he obviously ran out of gas towards the end of the game and was stuck with teammates who could not hit a three to save their life. I personally love the fact that we have crushed the Ohio State University in the past two major college championship games and changed their nickname to THE SECOND PLACE UNIVERSITY! Anyways, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that Billy Donovan is going to leave for Kentucky and we're going to shrivle back to the east coast version of UCLA, but thats okay with me because we just won back-to-back championships! Therefore, I'm leaving you with a list of 50 reasons why I like the number 2.

1. Back-to-Back titles are so sweet!
2. It's the number for poop.
3. It's the number of championships won by both Florida's basketball and football programs.
4. It's 2 more championships than any Philadelphia sports team since 1983.
5. It's Derek Jeter's number, but he Hates Gay-Rod so he earns a little respect.
6. Wow, just for the record, Keith Richards snorted his dad's ashes? Weird. That has to be fake. http://www.wtopnews.com/?sid=1105822&nid=114. Wow, doesn't he look fucking old? I'm too young to remember differently but If I see Dave Groehl looking like that in 20 years then I'm going to rescind my desire to be a rock star. Wait, no I wont, I want to be a fucking rockstar, I bet he still gets some hot ass. He probably does have to pay for it though.
7. Did you know that Tom Brady has 2 Illegitimate Children, he's just like one of us. Are there any legitimate children in professional sports?
8. Michael Ray Richardson has now been kicked out of 2 basketball leagues.
9. 2 is 1/4 of the number of gold medals that Phelps will win in the next Olympics.
10. 2 is also 3 championships less than America's Team. Go Cowboys.

Okay so I really didn't care after number 1 but fuck you I'm going to Florida. One last warning, if you find yourself reading a Jooish post about NASCAR and pondering why you are debating the athletic ability necessary in racing cars, always remember that you should probably kill yourself.

*Also, According to Sports Business Journal, Tiger Woods is the most marketable athlete in professional sports. So much for no face time.

Phelps and Cynics

First of all, I'm going to go ahead and start typing Occasional Joo again because I just realized that if we start abbreviating our names then I become BJ. Due to the possibility that I woud be known as an oral pleasure, I will allow the Occasional Joo to have his full name back (He still has aids though).

Anyways as you may have heard, the ladies are back from Vegas and still party like a bunch of high school kids, but I guess some people just never learn. However, during their self-proclaimed vacation of debauchery I hope that they were able to catch some stories about how global domination is in the hands of one American. That man is Michael Phelps.

(Something for the Joo to beat it to)

Okay, I know that no one really gives a shit about swimming, but this level of domination has been absolutely unheard of. At the World Championships in Melbourne this past week, Phelps swam seven events and he didn't just win gold in all of them but set world records in five of them. His closest competition the entire week was from Americans Ryan Lochte in the IM events and Ian Crocker in the butterfly events. Crocker, the current world record holder in the 100 fly, was caught by Phelps on the finish and was noticably upset with the result. I personally feel as though Crocker is a more bitter version of Scottie Pippen to Phelps' Michael Jordan. On the next day of competition, Phelps had the opportunity to win an unprecedented eighth gold medal and attempt to set his 6th world record had the U.S. not been disqualified for a false start in the preliminaries of the 400 Medley Relay. The name of the swimmer who false started? You guessed it, Ian Crocker. This is where the controversy begins.

Phelps had the chance to make history, he would have taken Crocker's spot in the butterfly leg of the Medley Relay in the finals, but Crocker dq's in prelims? It may just be me but maybe there is something to the thought of Crocker being upset about the fact that Phelps has stolen all of his thunder, has become the golden boy of swimming and is starting to dominate him in his best event. Maybe Crocker is tired of hearing about the possibility of Michael Phelps breaking Mark Spitz's record for Gold Medals won during a single Olympics. Maybe this was a warning of whats going to happen in Beijing if he beats him in the 100 fly there. Hell, maybe Crocker was just jealous that Phelps is getting as much hot female swimmer Amanda Beard quality ass as he possibly can get while Crocker gets stuck with the left over swim chicks who bench more than Brady Quinn and have beards. Or maybe, he just made a little mistake.

(This is why Ian Crocker hates Michael Phelps)

The fact is that Crocker jumped the gun only .04 seconds before Scott Usher touched in breaststroke. Now, I know that I could not make myself false start by only .04 seconds, then again I dont practice for 5 hours everyday. I also know that in relays swimmers are supposed to push their starts to the point of false starting without actually leaving before the touch, so it may just be a case of bad timing. Then again maybe Crocker just decided to start a little bit earlier this time.

Now, if anyone who has read this actually believes that Crocker may have false started on purpose, I would like to say you are an ignorant asshole and a gullible bastard. Of course Ian Crocker is a little bitter about losing the 100 Fly, he is the world record holder and was ahead of everyone the entire race until he was caught by due to a bad finish. Was his bitterness directed at Phelps, absolutely not, remember Phelps gave up his spot in the 400 Medley Relay to Crocker at the Athens Olympics so that Crocker could receive a gold medal as well. On top of that, the U.S. was the top seed heading into the relay this past weekend and were virtually assured of a gold medal. Tell me, would you false start and give up a gold medal just so you could prevent someone else from winning one?

This just proves that the world is full of cynical assholes who want to put controversy in place of mistakes and overshadow greatness with accusations of cheating. I'm sure someone has thought that Phelps has to be on (insert illegal supplement here), or has thought that he has an unfair advantage in one way or another. To those people I would like to issue a giant Fuck You, you dont even like sports so stop acting like you do. If you can not accept the fact that someone can achieve a great feat without being a negative asshole then stop watching sports because you are not a fan. Here at THHY we are fans, the Gus Johnson to your Billy Packer.

Now I'm going to end this by switching to hoops for a little bit. I hope you get a chance to enjoy witnessing greatness on Monday when Florida faces Ohio State for the NCAA Championship. We will see either a giant, Greg Oden, win a championship or see the Florida Gators repeat as National Championships. But you probably think that all basketball players are on steroids anyways.

Dirty Dungy

Sometimes in life you find out things that you really didn't want to know. First it was when I found out that Santa was a fake (way to ruin all my dreams mom and dad look at where I am now a 21 year old lifeguard who posts random thoughts about sports on a website, its all your fault). Second was when Michael Irvin got caught with cocaine, I mean seriously who saw that coming. Thirdly and most importantly was when I realized that all Eagles fans are actually flaming homosexuals and HUGE John Amaechi fans (Actually I knew that last one my whole life, Troy Aikman told me that while he was busy winning three of our 5 Super Bowls, Randall Cunningham was busy making sweet man love with Ron Jaworski). However, the best discovery of the past week was when we found out that Tony Dungy, the NFL's Model Citizen, turned out to be a big Tim Hardaway Fan.

Thats right Tony Dungy, the coach who doesn't curse, doesn't like gays. Dont believe me? Check it out. http://withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=2414

Although his quote does not directly say that he hates gays or is homophobic, he clearly feels self-righteous about his beliefs and is against the thought of gay marriage.

Here at THHY, we would like to make it known that we completely support Dungy and his anti-gay marriage philosophy. Now I dont have anything against gay relationships, OJ and Shawn Mc have had one for a long time, but the main reason I am against gay marriage is because of the tax-breaks they would receive. Those tax-breaks are there to benefit married couples who are starting a family and need money to help raise children, not for the couples who lack the scientific ability to reproduce. For you cynics out there, it is nearly impossible for John Amaechis to adopt because of the screwed up situation the child would be placed in, that is unless your rich gays.

Okay although I realize that I have completely bashed gays there, I do want throw out my support for real lesbians. I'm not talking about the 6'5" female basketball player lesbians that Pokey "Sticky Fingers" Chatman likes to recruit. I'm talking about the lesbians that we've dreamed about since puberty. If I ever meet a couple of real lesbians who are around 5'6" 115 lbs and gorgeous, I will argue to death about their rights to adopt and be married. As long as I get to watch the honeymoon!

Speaking of that, I thought college was supposed to be my prime chance to meet hot lesbians. Man was I wrong, real lesbians are the Santa's of the grown man. Your friends tell you stories about seeing them but you haven't yet. You keep holding out for your chance but it never comes. Then one day, you may be watching sports center or looking up porn when your girlfriend/hook-up buddy comes up to you and informs you that Real Lesbians don't exist. Nothing is more depressing than that moment, everything you've thought of and worked towards since being a 12 year old boy is gone. Now the only chance you'll ever get to seeing lesbians hook up is at a Girls Rugby Team party, but those aren't real lesbians.

Hey, there's always hope of a three-some though!

Finally, I don't want to come off like Bill Simmons here and spend the entire back end of my post telling you about other things on the internet, but heres a couple things that I found worth wasting some time.

If you ever wondered what a Star Wars Rap would look and sound like, here you go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8s7PIGVZow

Oh and in case you wondered what instigated the Levi Jones-Joey Porter love-fight check this one out http://www.themightymjd.com/2007/03/20/joey-porterlevi-jones-fight-the-transcript/

Thats all I have for now, enjoy and if your gay dont even think about getting married!

Florida, Gilbert, Kobe and More

Okay so I realize that I am officially a giant vagina for not going out to Vegas this weekend with the Occasional Joo and Shawn Mc, but if I left then no one would be here to rant. Therefore I gave up a week of Vegas for you, I gave up a week of Gambling and Prostitutes for you, be grateful you little pricks. By the way I also gave up Vegas because I'm poor. By the way I'm tired of typing Occasional Joo, I'm just going to call him OJ because they both probably have aids and are killers. Anyways this was a pretty cool weekend of hoops, between Kobe and the Tourney I cant be disappointed. So on with the Post!

First off let me say that I actually didn't eat complete shit with my bracket, I picked 3 of the 4 final four teams only missing out on those John Amaechi loving homos from Texas A&M. Seriously the only reason you went to A&M is because UT didn't recruit you (For the record, apparently this sight has a horrible man-crush on A&M considering that all of us had them in the Final Four and OJ was dumb enough to pick them to win it all). This past weekend proved that Florida is easily the best team in college hoops. Oregon was double and triple teaming Noah and Horford all day and all they did was dish it out to Taurean Green and Lee Humphreys to drain it from the outside or give it up to Corey Brewer so he could dunk over a midget. If you play man on them then they will penetrate all day and dominate you, if you play zone then they will hit it from outside all day, there is no beating them. Ohio State looks good but I think they will have trouble against teams that have the size to match up with them, Georgetown and Florida come to mind. UCLA is easily the blacksheep of the group and although I like them I dont think they're going to make it past Florida.

The UNC-Georgetown game proved my drunk rant to be correct. Do not bet on teams that rely heavily on their white players. Tyler Hansbrough was good in the beginning scoring ten points in the first 5 minutes, but he dissapeared when it mattered scoring only two points in the final ten minutes. No I dont blame him, I blame Roy Williams. When your up by ten with 8 minutes to go a good idea would be to work the clock, pound it inside and let your big man do the work. Especially since your best player Hansbrough is a 76% foul shooter, which is not too shabby. You know what, maybe Williams pulled the Rick Barnes approach and made sure they didn't win in order to try to convince his studs to stick around until they win a National Championship.

Skipping forward to the NBA, Kobe Bryant has officially proved that he is by far the best player in the league. Four straight games of 50 points or more and the best part about it is it was for the good of the team. The Lakers went 4-0 over that stretch so for those of you thinking ball-hog or team killer, go to hell because you do not know anything about hoops. Now I can understand people not liking the guy, but you can't say that anyone is a better player than this guy. Now if Kobe had the crazy personality of Gilbert Arenas we would have the most entertaining player in the league.

On to Agent Zero, Gilbert Arenas is the best thing that has happened to the NBA in a long time. I think that its ridiculous that he was reprimanded by the league for making stupid little bets with fans about hitting a game-winning shot. Whats wrong with making a stupid $10 dollar bet with a fan who may have otherwise lost interest in the game or left early, both of which have become trends at sporting events lately. On top of that, what if it was a casual fan who attends one or two games a season? You seriously dont think that this fan will start going to almost every game he possibly can if he knows that Gilbert is playing.

Also, Screw the Commisioner. David Stern is KILLING basketball. The NBA is missing the fun factor that made all of us fans to begin with. Players now get a technical for showing any emotion on the court, you can't celebrate a dunk or complain about a bad call without your team giving up possession and a foul shot. This would be the equivalent of giving a penalty to a football player for excessive celebration when he flips into the endzone, oh wait they do that now. Damn. I propose giving technical fouls only when celebration is clearly ill-advised, such as a huge dunk when your down by 30 or when the other team starts getting into a fight with your home fans. Otherwise, let the taunting begin.

When I play a game of basketball or even beer pong with my friends I talk so much shit when I'm winning. Hell I talk shit when I'm losing, I never stop talking shit. If I were in the NBA I would get fined 3 or 4 times a week. The shit-talking goes both ways too, kind of like OJ's Mom, if my athletically challenged friends somehow beat me in anything that involves competition then I expect them to talk as much shit to me as possible. During this time, I will defiantly stand by the fact that they cheated in some fashion. In short, hopefully Gilbert will be the guy who brings emotion back into the game and makes it entertaining again, not just for the players but for the fans.

Why I Love Steroids

So I decided that I might try to post something a little more grammatically correct since my BAC has finally dropped down below the legal limit. Now in this new found state of sobriety, I am saddened to hear that steroids have tainted the one sport which I firmly believed they would not be able to affect. That is the wonderful world of professional wrestling, the WWE.

Thats right, STEROIDS is prevalent in professional wrestling.

Okay so maybe no one is actually surprised by this, but isn't wrestling fake? Does taking steroids boost your chances of winning a rigged fight? No wonder these guys are professional wrestlers. I mean how many steel chairs, bats, ladders (0r park and ride signs) to the head does it take for someone to believe that taking steroids will boost your chances of winning a match that you and your opponent/dancing partner have rehearsed numerous times.

This has earned all of them a call-out. I'm calling out Kurt Angle, Rey Mysterio (Oscar Guttierez he is not), Randy Orton, Edge, Shane Helms and the deceased Eddie Guererro. You are all a bunch of retards, congratulations on attempting to cheat in a sport where performance enhancers dont help you. I now consider all of you part of the John Amaechi fan club you big group of gays, go practice your routine with your dancing partner then go ahead and share the needles you inject into each others butts. I sincerely hope you enjoy aids and your new man boobs. LONG LIVE SHAWN MICHAELS.

Why do I always sound angry? Because people are stupid.

Drunk Tonight

So tonight started off fairly well, hooked up with a girl for a lil bit, rounded second base then got cut off, shit happens. Okay so now I feel like posting some shit about basketball while the Occasional Jew and Shawn Mc argue about nascar, what the fuck.

Anyways, my bracket kinda sucks now due to the occasional upset or 3 so fuck brackets, but I seriously would like to say that the Big Ten is the largest piece of shit conference in the world, fuck 'Zona for losing to Purdue, I hope Chase Buddinger comes out of the fucking closet and lets everyone know that he blew the game for coke. Most importantly though, fuck Illinois for losing to V-Tech, and fuck Bruce Weber for being an absolutely horrible coach. Seriously how do you blow such a huge lead that late in the game (They were up by 12 with 8 minutes to go)? Wasn't he in the Championship Game a couple years ago (Probably due to the fact that he inherited a team recruited by Bill Self)? I think he needs to start recruiting from Indiana instead of Illinois more than Coach K needs to start recruiting black players.

Now getting started on Duke, they lost to a team out of the CAA, so what if VCU plays full court press the whole game and just jacks up 3's to go along with the occasional hard foul on Greg Paulus, who prolly should have taken his football scholarship instead. It seemed as though playing like a bunch of gays was apparently too much for the school that loves to rape bitches. Coach K should start recruiting blathletes again too. I mean it doesn't take much more than a dumbass to realize that only their black players make it in the NBA, I mean look at Christian Laettner and Bobby Hurley and compare them to Grant Hill, although Grant Hill has proven himself to be soft and fragile, he would still be the best pick over those other douchebags.

So my picks for the final four are Florida, Texas A&M, Georgetown, and UCLA, why because they dont rely on their white players and they play like a group of John Amaechi's boyfriends. Anyways we we will see how everything goes, no one can predict this stuff anyways. I'm drunk and I'm gonna pass out now, shit I might puke.

*After realizing that I was really drunk last night when I wrote this, I had to revise this a little bit