Exiled on Purpose

Ahhh Cleveland 2007. What a great time to be an Ohio Native. The Browns have finally worked their way back to respectability behind the arm of young budding stars Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow. The Indians reach the playoffs behind a young talented nucleus of young pitchers C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee and Faustio Carmona. Most importantly the Cavaliers have resigned the next greatest basketball player, Lebron James, to a multi-year contract meaning that the Cavs will be known as a contender for the forseeable future. The hope is eternal, trees grow leaves in February, all is right in the universe for the first time in the history of Cleveland professional sports. Cleveland is relevant!

Fastforward to Cleveland 2009.

Depression is the only substitute for suicide in Cleveland. Over the past two seasons Cleveland has dealt away or destroyed their nucleus of young pitchers, trading Cy Young Award Winners C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee at the trade deadline in consecutive seasons. Meanwhile Faustio Carmona's big league pulse has almost completely flatlined. The Cavaliers have not been able to get over the hump and into the NBA Finals over the past two seasons so have brought in aging superstar Shaquille O'Neal to give it one last effort in what could very well be Lebron James's last year in a Cavalier uniform. And on top of it all the Browns have miraculously downgraded from a young football team on the verge of breaking out to purely a crappy team. The hope is gone, trees don't grow leaves in June, all is normal in the universe for the 7 billionth time in the history of Cleveland professional sports. Cleveland is irrelevant... again.

As seen above Cleveland has basically had their butts kicked over the past two years. Any sports fan who is not a complete frontrunner or a douchebag has to have the smallest amount of sympathy for a team that has been so heavily screwed by a combination of poor management decisions, crappy coaching and in the case of Lebron, not being New York or L.A. The only thing that Clevelandians, Clevelandites or Cleves have to hope for is that Lebron somehow decides to stick with his Ohio roots and resign with the Cavs after this season, almost guaranteeing that he will be in Cleveland for life. This would be the only way a Cleveland fan could take the past two seasons and not look back at it all as both an epic failure and a complete waste of time, money, energy and hope.

Then Braylon Edwards decides that he's gonna try to screw it all up.

As you may have heard by now Braylon Edwards, yes the Braylon Edwards superstar receiver for the 0-4 Cleveland Browns, decided to get in an altercation with a friend/promotor for Lebron James. Based on the quotes provided by Lebron, who was not present at the time, Edwards (6'3" 215lbs) took a swing at Lebron's friend Edward Givens (130lbs). Without much knowledge of the situation, we still have to assume one thing... Braylon is a tool. The altercation supposedly arose out of an argument between the two men, but it should have never excalated. In a normal situation, Braylon should have and probably would have never ever swung at the other guy. On top of it all, now he has to answer to King James and pray to God that this doesn't end Biggy and Tupac style. Lebron is gunning for Braylon, Braylon is an idiot.

Or maybe he is a genius...

After showing that he is disgruntled and making it known that he wanted to be traded all off-season, Cleveland held onto him based on the fact that talented young game-breaking receivers are not found on every street corner. On top of this they traded their only other explosive offensive player, Kellen Winslow, to Tampa Bay, making Edwards that much more valuable to the teams offensive plans. Braylon found himself stuck in Dog Pound Hell. He tried many other ways to get out of the situation from a 120 mph speeding ticket to letting more balls slip through his hand than Jenna Jameson over her career.

Stuck and desperate for a way out he researched any possibility for an escape from NF Hell.

The only answer came in the form of Lebron. As seen above, Cleveland has been screwed over exponentially for the past two seasons, and the only good thing their fans have to look forward to is Lebron MAYBE resigning with the Cavs and finishing out his career off the shores of Lake Erie. Cleveland will protect this hope by any means possible. This means that if Braylon can find a way to piss off Lebron, he may be shipped out of Cleveland faster than he could imagine. The mayor would pretty much demand that Braylon be exiled if an incident like this ever came to fruition.

The only thing left to do was to weigh the options of an assault charge + being a star in another NFL city to no assault charge + being a forgotten player in Cleveland. Braylon Edwards choose to risk Lebron leaving Cleveland or himself being Exiled.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME TO THE 3-1 NEW YORK JETS, THEIR NEWEST ADDITION, RECEIVER BRAYLON EDWARDS.

They say that most people who are geniuses are considered idiots by the people of their time. I would just like to be the one person that did not overlook the geniusness in Braylon Edwards actions. If hitting the guy meant getting out of a Cleveland Browns jersey, I would have hit him too.

Power Rankings Fail

Although I'm going to try to sound slightly objective, the homer inside of me is going to be on full display. With that in mind I would like to explain how ESPN's NFL "analysts/experts/geniuses with mustaches" have so much hate for the Cowboys that it affects their ability to make an objective observation and ranking.

First of all, I know the Cowboys get more coverage than any other team. Yes they are given more primetime games than most other teams. Yes Jerry Jones is pretty insane and yes I do realize that Barry Sanders would have broken Walter Peyton's record in 5 seasons if he ran behind Dallas' O-line in the 90's.

That being said, if you are not a fan of the Cowboys, then you hate the Cowboys. There is no in between. Ask almost any football fan, the only thing that can always make a losing week enjoyable, is the Cowboys losing too. I don't mind it and I actually kind of enjoy being hated, but please at some point be objective. Especially if your job entails creating the Week 4 Power Rankings for ESPN.

Take a look at the season.

First the Cowboys two wins-

Take into account that both were against teams that have not won a game and are currently ranked 31st (Bucs) and 25th (Panthers).

Beating the Bucs, who have played absolutely dreadful this season, was expected. They fired their offensive coordinator 2 weeks before the start of the season, they have a rookie headcoach and they started the season with Byron Leftwich as their quarterback. Yes, the Cowboys started off slow that game, but then turned it on right before the second half and carried it over through the end of that game.

The Panthers are a different story, they are still a dangerous football team. Remember this is virtually the same team that went 8-0 at home last season and made the playoffs. They are 0-3 with 3 tough games to start the season (Eagles, Falcons, Cowboys). No cupcakes in that group as they combined for a 29-18-1 record last season. Before counting this game as an easy win lets see how they do in their next 4 games with Washington, Tampa, Buffalo and Arizona. As seen in game 1 the Cowboys started off slow in the first half (0 points) and then proceeded to step it up in the second half to win the game. On top of this the Panthers still had a couple opportunities had their receivers showed up. Delhomme's two picks were not his fault, just receivers running lazy routes, and then Muhammed pushed off on what would have been a long TD. End result, Cowboys win.

On to the big enchilada. The Giants game is the one that really has irked me. If you listened to the media after that game you would have assumed that the Cowboys lost 45-0, had no offensive production and couldn't stop the Giants defensively.

The fact is that the Cowboys turned the ball over 4 times. Tony Romo threw 3 interceptions, one of which was a flukey bounce when Witten tried to knock down an uncatchable ball. The Giants had a few crazy bounces, Manningham's td catch and Smith's catch on a tipped ball on 3rd and 5 just outside of field goal range. You could say that they Cowboy's played a very poor game even though they had rushed for over 200 yards.

YET, they lost to the Giants by a last-second field goal as time was running out. The Giants are ranked 3rd in the NFL Week 4 Power Rankings, while the Cowboys are ranked 17th. The lowest ranking for a team that has a winning record. I could understand the wide difference in the rankings if the Giants had another big win against teams who are in a much better standing but they're only wins are against the Redskins (who are "power ranked" lower than the Panthers) and the Bucs.

I am not saying the Cowboys should be ranked higher than Giants, I'm not even saying that the Cowboys should be ranked higher at all. All I am doing is wondering aloud why they are ranked so much lower (14 spots!) when they have beaten equally tough competition and only lost after turning the ball over 4 times and falling to a last second field goal. In an objective opinion, either the Giants should be ranked lower or the Cowboys ranked higher.

Any objective opinion should yield the same result. I'm not asking that you stop hating the Cowboys, be able to make an objective assessment of NFL teams given the facts presented.

Anyways, I'm done venting for the day, and who knows now that I stuck up for the Cowboys we will probably get our butts handed to us by the Broncos.

And yes, I promise no more Cowboys talk next time.

http://www.giants.com/schedule2009.asp
http://espn.go.com/nfl/powerrankings?year=2009&week=4
http://www.panthers.com/news/article-1/Inside-the-2009-schedule/f56b2e36-c3cb-40e9-8d78-3d8ccf326606
http://espn.go.com/nfl/standings/_/year/2008

Live Blogging the World Series in One Take with NO DVR While Switching Back and Forth to Watch 30 Rock and the Office Too

Calvin got a job! It's true. I finally have a paycheck coming in from a company that not only offers me benefits, but also doesn't make it's revenue from slinging ice cream and sandwiches. High class. (By the way, I know that picture of Dave Chappelle working at Wac Arnolds is small and shitty, but it's the best Google images could do, so take it up with them.) Anyway, I am now living and working in the beautiful city of Baltimore.

You didn't think my propensity for littering my posts
with tons of pictures to cover up my lack of any serious
ability to write creatively would have disappeared during
the hiatus did you? Didn't think so.

I'm not going to tell you what I do because that will only make you all hate me more than you do now, and I have to cut my losses somewhere. Anyway, on to the most impulsive, least prepared for, and completely un-proofread comeback post you'll read on any blog anywhere this week!

8:08 - Vince Vaughn shamelessly promoting Fred Claus in a bit where he does his usual overbearing bit while at the same time being completely clueless. The segment was painful but I'll still see his movie.

8:14 - Just as I was about to type that doing this with no recording already made me miss who was singing the Anthem, I just realized it's fucking James Taylor! Holy shit he looks terrible. What a shame, he looks like an 80 year old Robert Duvall.

8:16 - FOX is recapping Game One to the hip tunes of Live. Specifically, the riff to the song that goes "All over you, all over me, the sun, the something, the something else...." I can't think of the right lyrics. Or the name of the song. But fuck it, the whole point of this post is that I have an excuse to do ZERO research.

8:19 - Commercials, so I switched to My Name is Earl. More commercials. I like Jason Lee, and this show always seems to be funny, but I never make a point to watch it.

8:20 - WHOA! In the span of about 30 seconds on Earl, we see a full frontal shot of Michael Rapaport and find out that Jaime Pressly is about 12 months pregnant. Back to FOX.

(Disclaimer: If this game becomes a blow-out, and/or incredibly boring, I'm reserving the right to cut this short to hit a bar. Just thought you should know.)

8:24 - The new Treehouse of Horror is on Nov 4. WHY?? I will never get why anyone would run a Halloween special after the holiday is over. At least go with Price is Right rules: if you can't hit the date dead on, go low, not high. How is it better to air a holiday special four days after the holiday when everyone has moved on, rather than 3 days before when the holiday season is still in full swing?

8:26 - Jamey Carroll just called out Youk's beard by claiming Todd Helton's is superior during line up intros.

By the way, the Jesus wanted my comeback post to be about the wizard that he's convinced lives in Helton's face pubes. Unfortunately for you readers, or luckily, depending on how you look at it, I haven't been able to find enough peyote to smoke in order to turn that into a full column yet. But I'll keep you posted.

8:30 - According to Tim McCarver, the key to the game for the Red Sox is wake me up at 4. As in, after four victories in this series. Nice to know their key to the game is to sleepwalk on the hottest team in baseball.

8:31 - First pitch foul. Second pitch bunted foul. After a low and inside splitter, Schill-Schill hits Taveras in the hand.

8:35 - God I can't believe Kaz isn't still playing in the minor leagues somewhere. Meanwhile on 30 Rock, Tracy Morgan is gonna start fighting dogs. God I love this show.

8:38 - Joe Buck just informed us that if a base is stolen tonight, "America will win a free taco." Offering me free Taco Bell is like offering a 10-year-sober former addict some liquid heroin - I know it's gonna turn my colon inside out while I howl bloody murder on the toilet, but I'm gonna fucking eat that shit with fire sauce anyway.


8:41 - Merlin Face grounds out to drive Taveras home. 1 - 0 Rockies.

(P.S. As bitter as I am about this team sweeping the Phillies out of our first October since 93, four years of dealing with obnoxious bandwagon douchebag Red Sox fans at the University of Delaware has forced me to hate them more than any other team in any sport save for divisional rivals. So fuck them. I've fully embraced Cocktober, or whatever their calling it.)

(P.S.S. And yes, as an unabashed and completely irrational homer, I do use "we" when referring to the teams I root for. Some of you may get the urge to call me a hypocrite for just having bashed all those insufferable Red Sox fans. And everyone of you can fall on a fat dick and contract SARS.

8:43 - Sox out of the inning, 30 Rock at commercials.

8:47 - Kevin Youkilis looks like he'd be more at home covered in leather, strapped into some sort of torture device and getting plowed in the ass by Zed and his redneck friend.

8:49 - Inning over. Now that I think about it, Youk actually kinda looks like the guy from Clerks 2 that fucks the donkey. I wouldn't be surprised if it was him.

8: 51 - I actually missed most of 30 Rock, but it seems like a shitty episode so oh well. Although Alex (or Alec? or Billy?) Baldwin is doing some really good black voices. Haha and now Mexicans. Classic.

8:54 - I know that last entry was chockful of shitty grammar, but no proofreading! This is actually pretty fun. Meanwhile, I can't believe I haven't seen any "Toolawitzki" jokes. Maybe I'm the only one immature enough to actually think that was funny.

8:57 - Double play, inning over.

9:09 - Back from the bathroom and watching the Office. Joe Buck is worried about the Californians burning in the wildfires. In a related note, he just took a quick break to change his Tampax.

9:17 - Having some long breaks because I can't think of anything funny to write about the Office, sorry. Not that it isn't funny, there's just no way to relate it so back to the game.

9:22 - Pedroia walks. I know I'm walking on a beaten path here, but I fucking HATE this announcing team. Buck is a whiny cunt who sounds like his only sports knowledge comes off cue cards. He is so far out of touch with the average American fan base its fucking pathetic. Tell me you have one friend who actually likes Joe Buck. Do it, I dare you. OK I have to end this. I can't even get into McCarver, I'm getting to the level of anger where I want to blast Creeping Death at full volume, shout DIE! DIE! DIE! over and over and slam my head into my desk.

9:33 - OK back to the game full time. Top of the 4th, still 1 - 0. Holiday has a short stroke. As opposed to my stroke. Which is longer, and has much more power. His short stroke had enough for a single up the middle though.

9:36 - Three pop ups to end the top half. What a shitty game. I may have to go get some beers soon.

9:37 - Another Taco Bell commercial. I wonder if I missed a stolen base? I might have to break my no research rule. Nah, off to the bar!

11:07 - Back from the bar. 5 Buds in. Couple Natty Lights left to help me finish. And yes we did have a steal. Quick Recap: We had a steal. Schill-Schill pitched well. Can't wait to see him in red pinstripes next year. Red Sox are winning. Shoot me.

Quick Note: I was at the bar watching the game for over an hour and a half, and it's been two innings maybe? Something like that, I'm not sure. Either way, playoff baseball blows. It's like pulling teeth. Regular season baseball is long and slow enough, but this is fucking torture. I'd rather have Britney Spears individually rip my pubes out with her teeth after learning she lost her kids to K-Fed than sit through a 5 hour regulation game. Kill me.

11:14 - Joe Buck just told us how great it is to be a fan in New England these days. BC just came back to win (and I was in a VT sponsored bar, I wish I fucking stayed!), the Patriots are killing it, the Celtics have their big three, and of course the White Sox are in the World Series. I guess we shouldn't expect the man calling the game to get the team right. Right?

11:19 - Okajima is on a fucking tear. I'd love nothing more than for the woodland critters to tear out his eye, piss their AIDS urine into his empty socket, then kill him and use his blood for lubricant as they rape his dead corpse.

11:21 - Fred Claus commercial. While I have you, I recommend checking out www.tnaflix.com. Really solid porno. I've been getting into the Not the Bradys clips lately.

11:23 - E - A - G - L - E - S EAGLES!

11:24 - Joe Buck reading pitch for Miller High Life is a god damn travesty.

11:25 - So are you guys as psyched for Guitar Hero 3 as I am? I've been hearing "One" in my head all week. It's seriously taking over my mind.

11:27 - Holy shit, Papelbon is a jackass. Nice montage of his so called 'Running Man.' God I fucking hate the Red Sox. It's so bad that if Manny Corpas did that I might have thought it was funny. Especially because it was set to the Flogging Molly song from the Departed. But because it was Papelbon it just made me want to shoot him in the throat with a crossbow.

Then have the woodland critters rape his arrow wound.

11:30 - Some punk ass little Boston fan with braces just screamed "go red sox" into the camera. He couldn't have been more than 12. And he sounded like one of the Olly girls. I bet he sucks alot of dick.

11:33 - Holy shit 24 looks nuts. I can't even describe how excited I am. Jack Bauer with no CTU and no restrictions going after Mexican ass Tony Almeida? That is gold. Solid gold. The alien from American Dad couldn't shit out this kind of gold. I literally have some chub sitting here thinking about the crazy murders Jack will commit with no one controlling him. I need to watch some Not the Bradys.

11:40 - I didn't know that Diceukay guy was pitching in the bullpen. Anyway, he struck out Kazuo. Who should be playing in Ohio somewhere, so I guess thats not much of an accomplishment. If I had one of those little dogs like Britney or Paris had, I could teach that little shit to strike out Kazuo. Or JD Drew for that matter. This World Series sucks. If only drugs were legal.

11:42 - What the French Toast?! I love that commercial.

11:43 - Some asshole has a giant Papelbon sign with dangling legs and short shorts. It correlates very well with the very gay segment I described earlier. And yes, Joe Buck did just call him "Twinkle Toes Papaelbon." That's why I hate him. That's why you hate him. That's why I hope some disgruntled Boston African American takes his frustrations out on Mr. Buck's colon in some back alley after the game tonight.

11:45 - I'm on fire tonight.

11:46 - Matt Holiday gets his dumbass thrown out. Fuck.

P.S.S.S. - Just wanted to reiterate that spelling and grammatical errors cannot be held against me. Especially the longer this shit goes.

11:49 - Joe Buck loves Tim McCarver's cum in his mouth.

11:51 - Julio Lugo just got called out for bouncing a bunt into his leg while running out of the batter's box. Bizarre, but it looks like the right call. And I'm all for it. But still, bizarre.

11:53: I love this cingular commercial where Roger Clemens calls his wife about coming back for the Yanks. I really don't know why, I'm just wondering if anyone else does.

11:59 - Big inning coming up for Colorado. I think their gonna come up with nothing and end up losing this game.
12:06 - Todd Helton struck out.

12:08 - This is it. Last batter. 1 - 2. Struck him out. Joe Buck shits his pants out of excitement.

The views expressed in this article are of and with the expressed written consent of Mr. Timothy Hardaway.

Why Bill Simmons no Longer has Credibility

There was a day when I really enjoyed reading Bill Simmons articles, he was a homer who was always realistic about his teams chances and always seemed to have a decent amount of knowledge about the games no matter the sport. Then one day he woke up and the Patriots were the biggest cheaters in the NFL. Ever since that day the best way to describe a Simmons article is the excrement that remains in the toilet seconds before it is flushed. Don't get me wrong, he is still a good writer but I dont understand how he could still have any credibility when he makes crazy outlandish statements such as the following.

According to Simmons "Fourth-string running back Kyle Eckel rammed home a fourth-and-1 carry with 19 seconds remaining in a 14-point game. Normally, you take a knee there..."

Normally you take a knee on fourth-and-1? Why would you take a knee on fourth-and-1? You would turn the ball over, if you turn the ball over the clock stops and the game doesn't end. Yes, it still would have been nearly impossible for "America's Team" to come back from that deficit, but you dont take a knee on fourth-and-1? Every red-blooded American sports fan knows that you dont take a knee on fourth-and-1.

What an idiot.

As for that being the Patriots new patented "eff-u TD", are you kidding me? The Cowboys were down by 14 with 19 seconds to play, the game was over, (for all those about to quote the Cowboys coming back against the Bills, just keep quiet because it would not have happened here), do you really think that anybody from a potential Super Bowl team is going to break their back trying to tackle a guy on the last play of a game that was already lost? It was a running play when a running play was required, what was Eckel going to do when the Cowboys were going half-assed? Was he going to fall down? As the great all-knowing Bill Simmons pointed out he is a 4th string running back, he is not going to score that much in his career so of course he took it to the house when he had the opportunity.

Now the Pats are a good team, they beat the team with the best record in the NFC, but everyone already knew that any of the top three teams in the AFC would probably give the Cowboys a run for their money if not beat them. The Colts not only won the Super Bowl last year but are still undefeated, the Steelers are 5-1 and their only loss came because they were banged up against a surprisingly decent Arizona Cardinals team. So before Simmons goes claiming that the Patriots are the best team ever or even claim that they are saying "eff-u" to the rest of the NFL, maybe he should at least wait until they beat the defending, undefeated Super Bowl champions.

Now he is trying to defend the Patriots cheating by saying everyone else was doing it. Are you serious Billy? Everyone else was doing it, is this second grade and you were caught pissing in the trashcan or something? Your team cheated, you guys stole a former assistants signals because your coach is an idiot. You were playing the Jets and you cheat, I could understand maybe the Colts or hell even the Broncos, but the J-E-T-S JETS? Then Rodney Harrison is suspended for steroids, are you going to reverse course on steroids now and say everyone else was doing it? If you want to make fun of Mangini for rating out Belichek about cheating, then dont act like your trying to rat out every other team by saying everyone else was doing it. On top of that, if you compare this to any other form of cheating then you are an idiot, this is the only form of cheating that can directly affect the results of the game. Stealilng defensive signals so you know what they are going to do and then relay it to your offense. Your team sucks for not scoring 100 points. Everyone else was doing it, get over yourself.

Thank God its almost basketball season, hopefully Simmons will spot dreaming of a fellatio encounter with Tom Brady and talk about a sport he knows a little bit about.

Take a knee on fourth-and-one, what an idiot.

Here is the link to the story if you dont believe me. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/bostonblog/071015

FOXSports Likes THHY

Adam Schein has an idea on how to prevent all those NFL rookie holdouts. I'm in awe of his remarkable genius.

Football + Penny = Happiness

Okay, I know what you are all thinking and the answer is no, I actually did not die this summer. I've actually been at a little party town on the east coast all summer dedicating my life to Bankers Club, Natty Light and the occasional fornication. However, I am making my way back up north and will bless you with your dirty little fetishes I like to call my post. By the way, believe me that there will be an amazing fill-in of summertime stories coming up, ALL DETAILS INCLUDED. So dont go whacking it yet. Now onto the main reasons I was so inspired to post instead of look up porn (excuse: just did that) or go chase some tail (excuse: just looked up porn).

FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!

The inevitable depression from the end of summer can only be lifted by one thing, The Bright Shining Star on the helmets of America's Team, YOUR DALLAS COWBOYS. That's right, the 'Boys just whipped up on the Colts for the 2nd time in the past year. I understand that its just preseason and everything but I dont fucking care because its finally football season.

Maybe Tony Romo cries on the field, maybe he fumbles the most important snap of the past 5 years of my life, maybe I hated him for a while. However, he has rebounded nicely by being denied the near impossible task of holding a football and has settled for completing 10-11 passes in the first game back from the most devastating moment in sports history. He will be back as the best quarterback in the division, scratch that, in the conference this season. I admit it, I'm gay for Tony Romo and there is nothing wrong with that.

Dallas Cowboys- soon to be 6-time SUPERBOWL CHAMPS
Philadelphia Eagles- still at ZERO

ON TO SOME HOOPS NOW

My favorite player to ever wear a jersey is staging a comeback. Thats right the most explosive player from the 90's Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway is going to play for the Heat along side fellow 90's great and former teammate Shaq. Not only do I predict that Hardaway will comeback better than ever, I predict that he supplants D-Wade as the Heat's go-to guy. Okay maybe not but it will be funny as hell to see him and Shaq playing together for the first time since the big guy shaded out to L.A. If you dont remember how good this guy was then you are missing some great memories of a champion amongst men. As a refresher I left you a clip of the two best guards from the 90's showing how good basketball used to be.

Penny's comeback raises an even more important question, What happened to Lil' Penny? There are rumors that he was found dead in a St. Louis crackhouse http://forum.sbrforum.com/private-zone/82-li-l-penny-found-dead-crack-house.html, but that story has more holes in it than Tony Montana did at the end of Scarface. I personally feel that Lil' Penny realized that his larger replica was declining due to injuries and decided to jump ship rather than be part of a shitty entourage to a former world-class athlete. I hope to hear reports of him running around South Beach this season with an old friend and possibly appear in appearance in a Nike commercial, but unfortunately we may have seen that little plastic turd chasing Tyra Banks for the last time. I'm leaving you a gift so that you can remember Lil' Penny.

The Easiest Way to Fix Holdouts

So we've come to the day when a dumb, fat offensive lineman from fucking Wisconsin, who couldn't even bother to show up to the NFL Draft because he was out drinking beer and fishing with his dad is going to hold out from training camp until he gets a monster deal? Are you fucking kidding me?! The NFL Draft is a mess, and it all starts with the compensation system. Year after year, there are big name holdouts who want the kind of money that veterans earn, all before participating in a single team drill, let alone playing any snaps.

I simply don't understand why a league that constantly fucks over its players with shitty pensions, no disability benefits, and generally the lowest paid players (despite being the most violent sport) feels the need to allow these unproven douchebag rookies come in and try to strong arm the teams that draft them. These teams are giving draftees the opportunity to PLAY A SPORT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. These assholes don't need to put on a shirt and tie and toil away at a computer 12 months out of the year for $40,000. And they still want more? You must be fucking kidding me. No wonder Larry Johnson (and many before him) thinks it's OK to sign a legal contract, and then withhold the services they agreed to provide unless they get more money.

How do we fix this problem? Simple. Take a page from the NBA. When Portland takes Oden (although they should take Durant), he'll be locked in for four years, with the last two as team options. He gets $3.8 mil for the first, followed by $4.1, $4.6 and $5.6. The rest of the first rounders shake out from there. How easy is that? No bitching, no moaning, no complaining. You don't like it, don't declare in the first place dick. The NBA may make some queer decisions like the dress code, or suddenly changing the ball used to play the game, but they generally take care of their players. But despite the guaranteed contracts, the marketing and huge endorsement deals, they don't let any of these potential draft busts hold a team hostage. It's such an easy, blatant solution, it's no wonder the NFL fucks it up.

I simply don't understand why a league that constantly fucks over its players with shitty pensions, no disability benefits, and generally the lowest paid players (despite being the most violent sport) feels the need to allow these unproven douchebag rookies come in and try to strong arm the teams that draft them. These teams are giving draftees the opportunity to PLAY A SPORT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. These assholes don't need to put on a shirt and tie and toil away at a computer 12 months out of the year for $40,000. And they still want more? You must be fucking kidding me. No wonder Larry Johnson (and many before him) thinks it's OK to sign a legal contract, and then withhold the services they agreed to provide unless they get more money.

Goodell needs to take a page from Mr. Stern. He clearly doesn't shy away from shoving the hot rod of justice straight up any players degenerate ass, so he should have no problem taking the draftees out back and kicking their asses into line. No holdouts, no bitching. A rookie pay scale fixes all that. So come on, Rog, take that big stick and whoop the ass the way I know only you can do.

The THHY State of the Union Address

Hey there bitches, it's been awhile huh? Well its gonna be slow until training camp starts up... expect maybe a post every week or two. Why the shitty commitment by us? Well the Jesus is down at the beach without a computer all summer and I'm in the process of finding a job and moving to a whole new fucking city. But I'll give you what I can over the summer and we'll be back strong for several posts a week when football starts up again. It's gonna be hard, but I know you can wait that long.

Back with Bullets

Well, I think I'm finally back after a long hiatus which pretty much consisted of Keystone Light, Guitar Hero and Entourage. In honor of my glorious return to the internet, I feel compelled to give you a bullet-styled rundown of the hilarious shit that is happening on an otherwise lazy day of sports.

• Clinton Portis thinks its no big deal if Michael Vick hosted dog fights at his house. All this has proved is that Clinton Portis may be a good football player but is a shitty human being. Between playing for the Redskins and supporting Dogfights he equals out to the complete shit hole of human existance. Throw on that he went to University of Miami and copied Chad Johnson's mohawk last season and he becomes a complete fucking tool as well. Clinton Portis, I really wish you would read this to see how real people (not your fucking money-grubbing thuggish dogfighting cock-suckers you call your "boys") feel about the fact that you support dog fighting and inhumane treatment of animals. I seriously hope that you dont reproduce because you are single-handedly holding back all of human life.
  


• Clinton Portis calls Michael Vick a good role model and says that people should mind their own business. What a fucking clown. Vick only got caught bringing weed onto an airplane and owns property where illegal dog fights took place and thats a good role model? Thats the equivalent as saying Lawrence Phillips or Bill Romanowski is a good role model. If this was any other person who was hosting dog fights where animals are tortured they would be sent to a psychiatrist to see if they are fucking sadistic and have problems. But hey its Michael Vick, the quarterback who can't pass and the NFL still tries to make him out to be the best player in the league, he will get out of this with a nice little chat with the commish.
  


• I love Steroids. People need to make up their fucking minds. A decent number of baseball fans say that they would respect Barry Bonds a lot more if he admits that he used steroids while they were not illegal in the game, and shows that he has passed all drug tests since they were made illegal. Then Jason Giambi goes and does this exact thing, even apologizes for taking steroids saying that it was the biggest mistake he ever made, and now everyone is talking about releasing him, trading him or suspending him. Stop being fucking hipocrites. He did it, he made a mistake, he owned up to it, what else do you want? Instead of spending money on how to test for HGH or anything else that would be more beneficial to baseball and society, we are busy trying to crucify someone for coming clean and being honest, which is more than you can say about past Baseball "Golden Boys" (McGwire, Sosa). This is ridiculous and baseball would do itself a favor to drop this bullshit investigation.

(I never thought I would say this, but Giambi is the man)

• Hammerin' Hank once again says that he will not be present when/if Barry Bonds breaks his record. I have a lot of respect for Hank, always seems like a class act whenever he is being interviewed or on television. However, he flip/flops sides on this argument more than John Kerry (bad politics joke I know). On one hand he says that steroids don't help you to hit a baseball, on the otherhand hes not going to watch Barry break his record. If he thinks Barry shouldn't break the record because he took steroid then just say it, don't tip toe around the subject because you dont want him to go through the same stuff you had to go through. Take a side and stick with it because personally I'm tired of a headline on ESPN that says that you repeated yourself again.
  
• George Foreman says that he was drugged before the "Rumble in the Jungle" where Ali beat the shit out of him. The fight was in Africa where many other diseases and much more controversial issues like drugging can take place so this is actually likely. But why the hell would he take over 30 years before coming out and saying anything, or at least making it as well known as it is now. Why would you wait for Ali to be in a poor physical state where he is only a shadow of himself and really can not defend himself or his victory. I think that this is just about the time where Foreman has to come out and make news one more time just so he can promote himself and sell more Foreman Grills. Remember his "comeback" 5 years ago?

Trent Green says that he is no longer playing in Kansas City, Lance Briggs says that he is no longer playing in Chicago. Okay maybe there could be a trade possibility here but thats not what my point is. My point is that your in the fucking NFL, shut up and play. Who cares if you dont have a long-term deal, the average working man does not have any job security, we could get fired or sent to a different city tomorrow so deal with your $5 million plus a year and play the game for fun, like you used to. All you guys do is look like complete douchebags who are more and more out of touch with your fans everyday. If I had the talent, I would play football for 30 Grand a year, even less since they would pay for meals and travel. And seriously, who the Hell are Trent Green and Lance Briggs to demand a trade. Trent Green is the beneficiary of a Hall-of-Fame tight end, one of the best offensive lines ever and two of the best running backs of the past ten years and Briggs is a good player but he is playing alongside the best linebacker in the game for the past 5 years, Brian Urlacher, and was only one part of an all around amazing defense.

• The draft lottery is tonight and to follow up on Simmons' Karma post, I hope Karma comes and fucks the Celtics in the ass. I really hope that the Celtics get one of the first two picks so Simmons can get all hyped for the Oden/Durant era and then turn around and start crying to everyone when they draft Joakim Noah or Mike Conley Jr. But then, as we have learned from Simmons by now, Noah/Conley will become a stud and Simmons will have called it all along and the only reason he thought Durant was so good was because he caught more of those games on the West Coast so couldn't properly evaluate the back-back National Championship winning Noah. So really we are all screwed unless the Sixers somehow get into one of the top 2 picks.
  
  
• Okay thats all I have today except for one last giant FUCK YOU to Clinton Portis. You giant disgrace and pathetic excuse for a human being, I can only wish that you receive a Theismann like leg injury and you are forgotten you bum. Thank god you are too stupid to ever land a sports anchor job.

How We Keep It Real in Hotlanta

It's time to cut Mike Vick loose. Arthur Blank said he's taking a stance against player misconduct this year, and it's time to step up to the plate. I'm sick of this bullshit of letting star players off to do whatever they want. You wanna reform your chain gang of felons Mr. Blank? Well then start with the fucking ringleader.

Mike Vick has flipped off his own fans. It's now blatantly obvious he pulls a Randy Moss too. And he gets off. We were told this was the last straw right? Well now, we find out he's pulling a Cheese, keeping more than 60 dogs on a property he owns, starving them, and forcing them to fight. That is complete bullshit. I have nothing wrong with two grown men beating the everloving piss out of each other, but starving dogs and making them kill for nourishment is fucking criminal. His ass shouldn't just be cut, he should be in fucking jail.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves; he's obviously not going to jail. He probably won't even be cited. He's a star athlete in the prime of his underachieving, overpaid career. Not to mention that he doesn't actually live at this property, he just owns it.

That shouldn't matter, however. The guy is fucking scum, just like his trashy brother. Arthur Blank probably had a heart attack when he heard about this. He probably reached right for his phone to cut this leech on society loose, but then stopped short. "Who would play quarterback? Oh right, I traded our best quarterback to the Texans. Joey Harrington starting? No fucking way! Over my dead, bloated, impotent body!"

So Mike Vick is gonna get off with a slap on the wrist at best. He'll keep thugging it up, ripping bingers and gang raping white women. All I can do is hope and pray that Sergeant Slaughter, I mean, Great Warlord General Goodell will go all righteous on his ass and bring down the hammer of pain and justice like he did to poor, misunderstood Pacman.