The Easiest Way to Fix Holdouts

So we've come to the day when a dumb, fat offensive lineman from fucking Wisconsin, who couldn't even bother to show up to the NFL Draft because he was out drinking beer and fishing with his dad is going to hold out from training camp until he gets a monster deal? Are you fucking kidding me?! The NFL Draft is a mess, and it all starts with the compensation system. Year after year, there are big name holdouts who want the kind of money that veterans earn, all before participating in a single team drill, let alone playing any snaps.

I simply don't understand why a league that constantly fucks over its players with shitty pensions, no disability benefits, and generally the lowest paid players (despite being the most violent sport) feels the need to allow these unproven douchebag rookies come in and try to strong arm the teams that draft them. These teams are giving draftees the opportunity to PLAY A SPORT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. These assholes don't need to put on a shirt and tie and toil away at a computer 12 months out of the year for $40,000. And they still want more? You must be fucking kidding me. No wonder Larry Johnson (and many before him) thinks it's OK to sign a legal contract, and then withhold the services they agreed to provide unless they get more money.

How do we fix this problem? Simple. Take a page from the NBA. When Portland takes Oden (although they should take Durant), he'll be locked in for four years, with the last two as team options. He gets $3.8 mil for the first, followed by $4.1, $4.6 and $5.6. The rest of the first rounders shake out from there. How easy is that? No bitching, no moaning, no complaining. You don't like it, don't declare in the first place dick. The NBA may make some queer decisions like the dress code, or suddenly changing the ball used to play the game, but they generally take care of their players. But despite the guaranteed contracts, the marketing and huge endorsement deals, they don't let any of these potential draft busts hold a team hostage. It's such an easy, blatant solution, it's no wonder the NFL fucks it up.

I simply don't understand why a league that constantly fucks over its players with shitty pensions, no disability benefits, and generally the lowest paid players (despite being the most violent sport) feels the need to allow these unproven douchebag rookies come in and try to strong arm the teams that draft them. These teams are giving draftees the opportunity to PLAY A SPORT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. These assholes don't need to put on a shirt and tie and toil away at a computer 12 months out of the year for $40,000. And they still want more? You must be fucking kidding me. No wonder Larry Johnson (and many before him) thinks it's OK to sign a legal contract, and then withhold the services they agreed to provide unless they get more money.

Goodell needs to take a page from Mr. Stern. He clearly doesn't shy away from shoving the hot rod of justice straight up any players degenerate ass, so he should have no problem taking the draftees out back and kicking their asses into line. No holdouts, no bitching. A rookie pay scale fixes all that. So come on, Rog, take that big stick and whoop the ass the way I know only you can do.

The THHY State of the Union Address

Hey there bitches, it's been awhile huh? Well its gonna be slow until training camp starts up... expect maybe a post every week or two. Why the shitty commitment by us? Well the Jesus is down at the beach without a computer all summer and I'm in the process of finding a job and moving to a whole new fucking city. But I'll give you what I can over the summer and we'll be back strong for several posts a week when football starts up again. It's gonna be hard, but I know you can wait that long.

Back with Bullets

Well, I think I'm finally back after a long hiatus which pretty much consisted of Keystone Light, Guitar Hero and Entourage. In honor of my glorious return to the internet, I feel compelled to give you a bullet-styled rundown of the hilarious shit that is happening on an otherwise lazy day of sports.

• Clinton Portis thinks its no big deal if Michael Vick hosted dog fights at his house. All this has proved is that Clinton Portis may be a good football player but is a shitty human being. Between playing for the Redskins and supporting Dogfights he equals out to the complete shit hole of human existance. Throw on that he went to University of Miami and copied Chad Johnson's mohawk last season and he becomes a complete fucking tool as well. Clinton Portis, I really wish you would read this to see how real people (not your fucking money-grubbing thuggish dogfighting cock-suckers you call your "boys") feel about the fact that you support dog fighting and inhumane treatment of animals. I seriously hope that you dont reproduce because you are single-handedly holding back all of human life.
  


• Clinton Portis calls Michael Vick a good role model and says that people should mind their own business. What a fucking clown. Vick only got caught bringing weed onto an airplane and owns property where illegal dog fights took place and thats a good role model? Thats the equivalent as saying Lawrence Phillips or Bill Romanowski is a good role model. If this was any other person who was hosting dog fights where animals are tortured they would be sent to a psychiatrist to see if they are fucking sadistic and have problems. But hey its Michael Vick, the quarterback who can't pass and the NFL still tries to make him out to be the best player in the league, he will get out of this with a nice little chat with the commish.
  


• I love Steroids. People need to make up their fucking minds. A decent number of baseball fans say that they would respect Barry Bonds a lot more if he admits that he used steroids while they were not illegal in the game, and shows that he has passed all drug tests since they were made illegal. Then Jason Giambi goes and does this exact thing, even apologizes for taking steroids saying that it was the biggest mistake he ever made, and now everyone is talking about releasing him, trading him or suspending him. Stop being fucking hipocrites. He did it, he made a mistake, he owned up to it, what else do you want? Instead of spending money on how to test for HGH or anything else that would be more beneficial to baseball and society, we are busy trying to crucify someone for coming clean and being honest, which is more than you can say about past Baseball "Golden Boys" (McGwire, Sosa). This is ridiculous and baseball would do itself a favor to drop this bullshit investigation.

(I never thought I would say this, but Giambi is the man)

• Hammerin' Hank once again says that he will not be present when/if Barry Bonds breaks his record. I have a lot of respect for Hank, always seems like a class act whenever he is being interviewed or on television. However, he flip/flops sides on this argument more than John Kerry (bad politics joke I know). On one hand he says that steroids don't help you to hit a baseball, on the otherhand hes not going to watch Barry break his record. If he thinks Barry shouldn't break the record because he took steroid then just say it, don't tip toe around the subject because you dont want him to go through the same stuff you had to go through. Take a side and stick with it because personally I'm tired of a headline on ESPN that says that you repeated yourself again.
  
• George Foreman says that he was drugged before the "Rumble in the Jungle" where Ali beat the shit out of him. The fight was in Africa where many other diseases and much more controversial issues like drugging can take place so this is actually likely. But why the hell would he take over 30 years before coming out and saying anything, or at least making it as well known as it is now. Why would you wait for Ali to be in a poor physical state where he is only a shadow of himself and really can not defend himself or his victory. I think that this is just about the time where Foreman has to come out and make news one more time just so he can promote himself and sell more Foreman Grills. Remember his "comeback" 5 years ago?

Trent Green says that he is no longer playing in Kansas City, Lance Briggs says that he is no longer playing in Chicago. Okay maybe there could be a trade possibility here but thats not what my point is. My point is that your in the fucking NFL, shut up and play. Who cares if you dont have a long-term deal, the average working man does not have any job security, we could get fired or sent to a different city tomorrow so deal with your $5 million plus a year and play the game for fun, like you used to. All you guys do is look like complete douchebags who are more and more out of touch with your fans everyday. If I had the talent, I would play football for 30 Grand a year, even less since they would pay for meals and travel. And seriously, who the Hell are Trent Green and Lance Briggs to demand a trade. Trent Green is the beneficiary of a Hall-of-Fame tight end, one of the best offensive lines ever and two of the best running backs of the past ten years and Briggs is a good player but he is playing alongside the best linebacker in the game for the past 5 years, Brian Urlacher, and was only one part of an all around amazing defense.

• The draft lottery is tonight and to follow up on Simmons' Karma post, I hope Karma comes and fucks the Celtics in the ass. I really hope that the Celtics get one of the first two picks so Simmons can get all hyped for the Oden/Durant era and then turn around and start crying to everyone when they draft Joakim Noah or Mike Conley Jr. But then, as we have learned from Simmons by now, Noah/Conley will become a stud and Simmons will have called it all along and the only reason he thought Durant was so good was because he caught more of those games on the West Coast so couldn't properly evaluate the back-back National Championship winning Noah. So really we are all screwed unless the Sixers somehow get into one of the top 2 picks.
  
  
• Okay thats all I have today except for one last giant FUCK YOU to Clinton Portis. You giant disgrace and pathetic excuse for a human being, I can only wish that you receive a Theismann like leg injury and you are forgotten you bum. Thank god you are too stupid to ever land a sports anchor job.

How We Keep It Real in Hotlanta

It's time to cut Mike Vick loose. Arthur Blank said he's taking a stance against player misconduct this year, and it's time to step up to the plate. I'm sick of this bullshit of letting star players off to do whatever they want. You wanna reform your chain gang of felons Mr. Blank? Well then start with the fucking ringleader.

Mike Vick has flipped off his own fans. It's now blatantly obvious he pulls a Randy Moss too. And he gets off. We were told this was the last straw right? Well now, we find out he's pulling a Cheese, keeping more than 60 dogs on a property he owns, starving them, and forcing them to fight. That is complete bullshit. I have nothing wrong with two grown men beating the everloving piss out of each other, but starving dogs and making them kill for nourishment is fucking criminal. His ass shouldn't just be cut, he should be in fucking jail.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves; he's obviously not going to jail. He probably won't even be cited. He's a star athlete in the prime of his underachieving, overpaid career. Not to mention that he doesn't actually live at this property, he just owns it.

That shouldn't matter, however. The guy is fucking scum, just like his trashy brother. Arthur Blank probably had a heart attack when he heard about this. He probably reached right for his phone to cut this leech on society loose, but then stopped short. "Who would play quarterback? Oh right, I traded our best quarterback to the Texans. Joey Harrington starting? No fucking way! Over my dead, bloated, impotent body!"

So Mike Vick is gonna get off with a slap on the wrist at best. He'll keep thugging it up, ripping bingers and gang raping white women. All I can do is hope and pray that Sergeant Slaughter, I mean, Great Warlord General Goodell will go all righteous on his ass and bring down the hammer of pain and justice like he did to poor, misunderstood Pacman.

Pacman Says He's Sorry

yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo,

its yo boy p-diiiidyy here. you know, pacman mufucka jones nigga. i'm here at THHY to lay down some fuckin flavva. this site needs a lil style nameans?

anyway, im tryin apologize and shit man. i know i been fuckin up an im tryin fix that shit. i aint mean to keep gettin bopped and shit man.

look yo, i made that shit rain, i mean that shit rained like fuckin katrina yaheard? but them cunt hos tried to goose up my bills son. so i had to roll son, yaheard.

fuckin popped that bitch secuurity guard. fuck him. but yo im sorry and shit. i aint mean to get all heated an shit. my bad.

i's wish i could fuckin play an shit, but shit i cant do that shit. dickhead goodell took me out for like a whole year an shit.

so ima fuckin just chill and fucking rip bings all day loong. toke it likes its hot nigga.

see ya'll mufuckas in 2008 bitch.

p-man


p.s. i aint mean that shit baby

Video Bonanza

Not enough time for a traditional post, so here's my Top 5 YouTube videos of the day:

Tony Romo's defining play as a Cowboy:

The Sparkling Wiggles:

A leprechaun is on the loose in Mobile:

Sweet Chin Music to the jaw:

I like how stoner vision sounds like the Bowser laugh


And in memoriam of the most entertaining man in sports today:

Stupidity is Contagious

Okay, I realize that I'm not pumping out these things like I said I was going to but I'm getting there. Plus the Joo is taking every subject before I even get a chance to write, kind of like a secret scheme to steal the site for himself. Unfortunately for him, I have found a way to rid him of his evil plan. How will I do this you ask? The answer is actually quite simple. I will never sleep and keep constant tabs on ESPN.com therefore taking my pick of the stories before he would ever have the opportunity to take the best subjects. Ever. Or else I guess I could stop being a lazy shit and just write. Whatever, ON WITH THE POST.

As its being reported the Miami Dolphins are really trying to get Trent Green. Are they high? Let's look at the facts, Trent Green is a 36 year old quarterback who is coming off a season where he suffered a concussion that made him miss half of the season. His team played better once his back-up, Damon Huard, started taking the snaps. If they do get Green, they are going to have to pay him starting quarterback money too. How can you commit a minimum of $7 million a year to a 36 year old quarterback who missed most of last season with a concussion?

This all sounds a little familiar though. Last season the Dolphins sign a quarterback who is returning from a major injury. After his back-up took over his team rallied and almost made the playoffs. They signed him to a starting quarterbacks contract. Now, Daunte Culpepper will most likely be traded before the season begins. This team is running in circles with the number of mediocre quarterbacks they have brought in.

Now lets apply logic. Bringing in veterans with an injury history (Culpepper and Green) and letting inexperienced nobodies (A.J. Feeley) doesn't work so what option is left? How about the good old fashioned NFL draft.

Everyone seems to agree that there are two "can't miss" quarterback prospects in this draft and almost every mock draft that I've seen has them going in the top 5. However, many teams in the top 5 are supposedly interested in trading down and the Dolphins would most likely end up giving up a pick in order to bring in Trent Green anyways. So why wouldn't they package their 1st rounder with a couple other later picks and try to trade up to get what could possibly be their quarterback of the future? Maybe that makes too much sense.

I'm making the prediction that if Miami makes this trade and ends up with Trent Green then he will not end up as their starting quarterback the following season.

I also want to address the Charlie Manuel situation. Since I am from the Philadelphia area, I get to hear everyone's take on Manuel's furious argument with WIP sports broadcaster Howard Eskin, and let me say that I am loving every minute of this. Now don't get me wrong, I think Manuel is a completely horrible manager (see Brett Myers getting moved to the bullpen), but I would have loved to see Eskin get his little whiny ass kicked all over the Phillies clubhouse. He is the definition of ignorant combined with the definition of asshole. All he has ever done is trash every Philadelphia team with the exception of the Eagles due to his giant man crush on Andy Reid.

This is how Eskins show can be summed up for the past 5 years:

• Phillies suck, Larry Bowa is too hard on them
• Phillies suck, Charlie Manuel is too soft on them
• 76ers suck, They will never win with Iverson
• 76ers suck, They will never be as good as they were with Iverson
• Flyers suck, Ken Hitchcock's players aren't responding to him
• Flyers suck, Steven's players aren't playing as hard as when Hitchcock was coach.

He seriously contradicts himself on every show and whenever he realizes that there is a caller who has figured him out, he hangs up on him. Hey newsflash Howie, its okay to be wrong. People make mistakes, but calling everyone a moron and hanging up on them because their point is more logical than yours is something only an ignorant asshole would do.

Staying on WIP for a second, lets just say that listening to that station is one of the more enjoyable parts of my day. There is nothing more entertaining than listening to Philly sports fans calling in and crying about not winning a championship in 24 years. The best is during football season, every year there is one guy who swears that this is the Eagles turn to win it all. Then January comes around and the same guy is balling his eyes out into his cell phone on his way to drive himself off a bridge. Absolutely HILARIOUS.

By the way, Manuel will look awesome as the White Sox hitting coach and once again plays the role as Jim Thome's gay lover next season. Also, as one extra input here, fuck the White Sox and fuck Mark Buehrle. Why does shit like this always happen to my team. Oh my God, I sound like a Philly fan. Unlike Philly fans however I'm not going to drive off a bridge.

Anyways, thats all I've got for now but I will be back later on with some more sarcasm and insight.

Let's All Line Up To Fellate Tim Duncan

Tim Duncan is innocent. Tim Duncan is always innocent. He's never done anything wrong; he plays the game the right way, he doesn't talk trash, he doesn't throw teammates under the bus. Everyone loves Tim Duncan. If only every player in the NBA was like Tim Duncan.


Well suck my ass, Tim Duncan. You are a whiny pussy and you need to grow a real set of balls. You are the softest "superstar" in the league. OK, so Joey Crawford has gone somewhat over board in the past. But are we seriously suspending referees indefinitely now? Solely on the word of Tim Duncan? No one knows what was really said between Crawford and Duncan. If Crawford really challenged him to a fight, and Duncan says he would fight him, how come Timmy Boy didn't do anything at the time? He didn't get fired up or challenge Crawford at all. Because Crawford didn't say that, first of all. And because Tim Duncan is like the kid at a frat party who gets all fired up at some other asshole and screams his head off, but always manages to get caught between who he wants to fight and people who are holding him back and never actually throws a punch. He always conveniently is pulled away from the fight that he tried to start, and runs his mouth afterward how he would have kicked ass if he had the chance.

Well, fuck that. Are we really going to suspend a referee without due process or a fair trial for an undeclared period of time based solely on what Tim Duncan says? It's like we're fucking Nazi's and that's complete bullshit. What happened to zero tolerance? What happened to reeling in these cunt bag players who try to upstage refs? All of a sudden because it's Tim Duncan who acted out and ended up on the wrong side of a couple technicals, the policy is at fault? The zero tolerance policy has been too extreme from the start. But it's the policy this year, and suspending a referee for upholding the rules of the league is setting a dangerous precedent. As long as Tim Duncan gets his way like this just because he's the "poster boy" of the NBA, he will never stop whining and generally acting like a little bitch. Stick to the guns you put up Stern. Don't let some sloppy cunt with a bunch of sand in it influence how you run your business.

Nappy Is The New N-Word

I know I may be late to the dance on this one, but whatever.I have another post planned for tomorrow, but I wanted to weigh in quickly on this while I still could. Look, I hate Don Imus. He's an asshole and a racist, and really, a no talent ass clown. And for all those reasons, he deserved to be fired. But for calling Rutgers a bunch of nappy headed hos? Nope. That hardly should have gotten any mention. It wasn't right of him to call them hos, but that wasn't why this firestorm happened. It was the nappy headed part. And really, that part is pretty fucking innocent.

He said that the women (the black women) had thick, coarse hair. That's called nappy. Can you think of one black woman whose hair is not naturally nappy? Yeah, me neither. So what about that is racist? There was a racially based statement - not racially insensitive, but racially based. Calling the Rutgers basketball team nappy headed is a statement of fact. Albeit, a stupid and irrelevant statement of fact, but fact none the less. No different than if he called the US Olympic Swimming team a bunch of straight haired hos. The ho part is certainly offensive, the hair part is not. It's a fact. There was absolutely nothing racist about what Imus said.

I've heard the argument (Stuart Scott) that things like ho and nigger are OK for the black rap community to constantly drop into records because they use them as "terms of endearment." A ho is a hooker, a prostitute, a slut for money no matter how you intend it. You call a woman a ho, that is fucking offensive. I've called girls dirty whores before during sex, it's still offensive. And if the word nigger is so offensive (which it absolutely is), then there is no excuse for a black man to call his friends his niggers. You know what Robert E. Lee called the workers at his farm? His niggers.

It was insensitive to call them hos, but it wasn't insensitivity that cost him his job. For god sakes, there's a rap group that calls themselves "Nappy Roots." Black people have nappy hair. It's not racist to point this out. But our society has become so afraid of offending black people so as not to incur the wrath of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson that it almost seems offensive to call a black person black anymore. We strive so hard to show how far we have come from slavery and the era before civil rights that we are ready to crucify anyone who doesn't treat black society like the retarded cousin - treat him like he's a child even though he's 28 years old, and don't mention anything about his illness because it might upset him. And please, I am not saying being black is an illness. But the white media acts like it's something that cannot be mentioned in good sense. They want to label anyone who would call a black man a black man as racist. Being black is a source of pride, and acting like a white person even uttering the fact that a fellow man is black should be punished is insulting to all black people. We treat the subject of black people like it is taboo and should never be brought up in public. That's completely ludicrous.

White America is simply scared of Black America. The white media is so eager to please black people at every turn that they end up looking stupid and ignorant for it. Black America does not need this hand out pity that we constantly feed them. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson only further perpetuate this abomination. There are a lot of black people that agree that Sharpton and Jackson are a plague on their society and are as much a part of the problem as Imus. What Don Imus said was not insensitive to black people, it was insensitive to women. But being a sexist doesn't get you fired. You mention race though, and Reverend Al will put your ass in the stocks. He should be the one fired - he acts like it's a shame to specifically mention the black race in any sense. And that's more racist than anything Don Imus ever said.

And Down Goes Young...

Could there have been worse news? I say nay. Vincent Paul Young, Jr. will be the next great athlete to grace the cover of Madden Football. While he will look great on it, and will no doubt be impossible to stop in the game, his what-once-seemed inevitable rise to the ranks of the greatest quarterbacks ever to play the game is now seriously in question. While his impending injury should technically only end this coming season, what if he ends up ripping everything that connects his femur to his tibia like Daunte Culpepper did? He may never be the same again. This is a very black day for sports fans everywhere. The most electrifying man in sports today is on a runaway freight train headed towards the land of washed-up quarterbacks.

Let's take a very quick look at the highlights of previous curses:

1. Garrison Hearst (1999) - Broken ankle, out until 2001.
2. Eddie George (2001) - Somewhat of an anomaly, his curse started the year after he appeared, as he never averaged more than 3.4 yards a carry the rest of his career.
3. Duante Culpepper (2002) - Worse statistics than the year before he appeared, became completely useless as an NFL QB after 2005 injury.
4. Marshall Faulk (2003) - Ankle injury, never reached 1,000 yards again.
5. Michael Vick (2004) - Broken leg in preseason, didn't return until Falcons were already eliminated from playoff contention.
6. Ray Lewis (2005) - No interceptions, team went from division winners to missing playoffs, Lewis suffered broken wrist in last game. In 2005, Lewis suffered season ending injury in week 6.
7. Donovan McNabb (2006) - The most painful of them all. After going to the Super Bowl, McNabb gets a sports hernia in week 1. Plays through injury until week 10, when a blatant cheap shot by Roy Williams finally ends his season. Suffers season ending ligament tear against Titans in 2006.
8. Shaun Alexander (2007) - Reigning NFL MVP misses his first game in his seven year career after injuring his foot in week 1 and shutting it down for six weeks after the third game.

That's eight of the last nine years, and seven straight that a Madden cover athlete has had some form of detrimental incident set them back in their careers. Now, I don't believe in superstitions or karma or any of that tribal head shrinking bullshit, but that is a fucking scary history to look at. I mean, just look at the data for a minute! The only cover athlete EVER on Madden that isn't on this list is Barry Sanders, who retired before training camp the same year he was on the cover. So, he probably would have gotten mutilated that year and never walked again. I guess that was a smart move after all. I need to mention, however, that I left Dorsey Levens off, because he appeared the same year as Sanders - but only in Europe and other shitty inferior countries over there. He did, however, only gain 224 yards that year, then bounce around the league without ever again making an impact. So, without further ado, I present to you the odds on Vince Young's forthcoming calamity.

HIV acquired from mother of upcoming bastard child becomes full blown super AIDS - 250-1

Crazed hippie from 'Madden Nation' stabs Young after VY tells him he doesn't love him - 200-1


Broken leg suffered when Lendale White loses footing at buffet table and rolls across room overtop of Young's leg - 100 - 1
Hernia from holding all of Tennessee on his shoulders, Atlas style - 75 - 1

Sliced ankle tendon courtesy of a jilted and envious Matt Leinart - 50 - 1

Stray bullet wound from a night out on the town with good buddy Adam - 35 - 1

Damaged retina when Madden box thrown by fan for Young to sign strikes his eye - 20 - 1

Jacknifed at mid-field by Joey Porter, shattered vertebrae - 8 - 1

Broken collarbone, arm and ribs after being blindsided by a drunken, bored Chris Henry in week six - 3 - 1

Shot to death by Tank Johnson after accidentally "scuffing his kicks" - 3 - 2

Leave your own ideas in the comments.

UPDATE: I made a stupid ass mistake. Roy Williams picked McNabb on his last play of the season, it was Bradie James that laid down the cheap shot.